


Reflections of My Soul

by JudyOct98



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer Arc, Drama & Romance, F/M, Tragic Romance, character illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-12 22:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19584916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudyOct98/pseuds/JudyOct98
Summary: Kathryn is diagnosed with breast cancer and Chakotay helps her deal with it.





	Reflections of My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> This is a special story request of my German readers back in 2003. At the end of the story are links to various breast cancer sites for reference.

Dedication: This story is dedicated to all victims, survivors and families of breast cancer.  
Rating: PG-13/R, with some mature overtones.

Reflections of My Soul  
By J.A. Greene

O Darkness! O in vain!  
O I am very sick and sorrowful.  
O brown halo in the sky near the moon, drooping upon the sea!  
O troubled reflection in the sea!  
O throat! O throbbing heart!  
And I singing uselessly, uselessly all the night.  
\- Walt Whitman

Captain's Log Stardate 49467.8  
Voyager has been negotiating mineral trades with a species called the Rendarsians. They appear to be a hospitable and friendly species. We have been in orbit of their mining facility for the past week. It appears negotiating is going to be a success. Lieutenant Torres and I have been invited to tour the facility before we close negotiations. I see no harm in taking them up on their offer. Log out.

Kathryn and B'Elanna finished donning their protective clothing, in the special containment chamber before stepping out into the raw dilithium facility B'Elanna grunted, “dilithium isn't hazardous handling material," as she adjusted the awkward facemask.

"Not really," said Prefect D'Anish, also wearing the gear, which suited his height and body structure. "But the dilithium is also embedded near a very large deposit of thorium -” 

" - The gas from that is fatal to humanoids - " B'Elanna stated shocked.

"The gear will protect you," D'Anish said easily. "We have worked near it for years and not one of our peoples has gotten ill."

Kathryn remembered her own experience a few years back with thorium radiation. She was concerned. "Excuse me, Prefect," she said, "but we've dealt with this type of radiation in the past, the results have been negligible."

"I assure you," he said turning to her, "Captain Janeway, the gear is safe for all humanoids."

“How do you filter out the thorium from the dilithium?” B'Elanna asked.

“We have special compositors,” he told her, “to separate the materials, which turns the dilithium into a high-use energy source.”

“I'd like to see this process,” B'Elanna said curiously.

“We'll be happy to show you the lab,” D'Anish replied, “at the end of the tour.” He opened the heavy-shielded chamber door. “This way Captain and lieutenant,” he stepped out of the way waiting for them.

B'Elanna looked at Kathryn through her visor. Kathryn indicated with her head for her to proceed. B'Elanna sighed and walked out. Kathryn followed.

The tour of the raw mining facility was impressive and took over three hours to complete. They ended in the large lab that was divided by stages. B'Elanna was impressed enough that she was allowed to observe the dilithium recrystalization with her before the large, shielded viewports watching the process.

They weren't wearing their protective gear at that point. They had been reassured the chamber was shielded from the stray radiation that seeped from the cavern walls. "That is your supply, Captain," D'Anish said indicating to what was being processed.

"That'll be plenty to supply us for several months," she stated. 

"Well, I'd like to show you," he told her, "a more refined way we process dilithium for immediate use."

"That'll be fine," Kathryn said. She turned to B'Elanna. "Lieutenant?”

B'Elanna glanced at her, "oh, Captain I'd rather observe this awhile longer. Can I join you in a few minutes?"

Kathryn smiled at her chief engineer, "of course." Then looked at D'Anish, “will she be able to find her way?"

"Of course," he replied, "she just has to walk straight through the two labs behind me."

Kathryn nodded, "very well. When you're through lieutenant."

"Yes, ma'am," she said with a nod and watched Kathryn and D'Anish leave.

The trade was a success by the end of the day and Kathryn arranged for the dilithium to be transported aboard within the hour.

After both returned to the ship, B'Elanna returned to the engine room to report and conduct the dilithium storage. Kathryn returned to the bridge. She then had Tom take the ship out of the orbit as soon as the dilithium was secured in the cargo bay.

=/\=

That night when the reports were complete, and she was satisfied the staff from Beta shift was prepared for the evening, both she and Chakotay retired to her quarters to make dinner and go over ship business.

They sat in front of their meal. She sat holding a padd leaning towards him. “This supply will last us several months," she said smiling. "Perhaps longer from what B'Elanna claims our own recrystalization process will do." 

He smiled gently at her, "I love it when you're pleased with a trade agreement you made." She leaned back in her chair, "Kathryn, your glowing right now and I doubt that it's from the dilithium," she laughed softly. "But it’s good we don't have to worry about acquiring more dilithium for awhile." 

She stared at her first officer, best friend and now lover. Several months before they took their relationship to the next level. It happened after his return from his encounter with the spatial anomaly in which the Delta Flyer was trapped and he had been injured. It was only a few months before they had reconciled after their friendship was put to the test from the Equinox incident. 

That incident and her behavior still left a sour taste in her mouth when she thought about it. After she apologized to him for her period of madness, he willingly began working on getting their relationship back to where it had been before. After several dinners and the holodeck version of Lake George were used, it had changed. They felt closer at that point and he spontaneously kissed her while taking turns at the wheel. They were laughing over an incident with Neelix's version of his red hot chili, which he still hadn't mastered how much jalapeño to add to the recipe. The dish had sent half the crew to sickbay, and sent both of them into a laughing fit recalling it the next day. 

After the kiss he was sure she'd start quoting parameters to him again, but she didn't. Instead, she kissed him back after a moment's hesitation and they made passionate love on the deck of the ship. When they relaxed after, they discussed where they now stood. She told him there was no looking back for them. They loved each other and she was tired of putting her feelings aside for him. 

He was happy with her decision. For their second time, they made love more slowly and explored each other finding their most sensitive areas. They learned to please each other and returned to her quarters to continue where they left off. Throughout that incredible night, they decided to keep their new relationship discreet from the crew and he'd get his boosters to keep current. She didn't want any unplanned pregnancies to strain the command structure. He understood her reasoning and was happy to be able to just spend his nights with her.

Since then, their passion for each other exploded. Sometimes after duty they just made it to his or her quarters where they made love against the wall and worked their way into the bedroom.

They were happy ever since, but still kept the relationship secret.

"That's a good thing," she said with a smirk and picked up her fork to finish her dinner. The moment she saw the food a wave of nausea passed through her. She groaned and put her hand to her mouth pushing the plate away.

Chakotay noticed. She had turned a pale shade of green. "Kathryn you okay?" He was concerned, she didn't look well.

After a moment she sighed, "I'm not feeling well -”

" - I can tell," he said gently. "Perhaps you should go to sickbay -?”

She shook her head, "no it's okay." She exhaled a long breath closing her eyes, placing a hand on her abdomen. He waited, she sighed, "I'm not that sick Chakotay," she rested her head against the back of the chair. "At least I'm not pregnant -”

He smirked, "you sure?"

She opened her eyes and frowned, "yes, I'm sure. Unless you haven't been current on this month's booster?" He chuckled. She groaned and picked up her cloth napkin throwing it at him across the table. "Not funny Chakotay."

"I'm sorry," he said sighing, "but you asked for it."

“I know,” she replied, her stomach was starting to settle some. She picked up her coffee and sipped it. No nausea this time, she was grateful.

He studied her, “I'll clean up -”

“ - We both do -”

He shrugged, “I know, but you're not feeling well.”

She smiled softly at him, “you're very sweet, thank you.” She slowly stood up, finding she was slightly dizzy. She put a hand on the table to steady herself. He stood up and walked over taking her arm gently, “I thought I was feeling better.”

“ - Come on,” he said gently wrapping his arm around her waist. He led her over to the sofa. "Kathryn if your not better by morning, I want you to see the Doctor.” 

“Agreed,” she said, he kissed the top of her head, and she sat down on the sofa. He returned to pick up the dinner dishes.

Several minutes later he joined her on the sofa. She had removed her boots and jacket feeling slightly chilled. Because of this, she had pulled a nearby blanket over her legs. She curled up against him as he wrapped his arm around her.

They were quiet, he sighed, “Kathryn, do you want me to spend the night?”

She sighed, her eyes were closed but she felt she didn't want to be alone tonight. “It'd be nice,” she whispered.

“Okay,” he said stroking her back, he felt her drift off beside him. He held her for a couple more hours, and then roused her to go to bed. It was late and they had early duty the next morning.

After changing into their nightclothes – he kept a spare pair of pajama bottom in her closet – he waited for her to join him. She came out of the bathroom with her hair brushed out and wearing her peach silk nightgown. He opened the bedcovers and she slipped in beside him, “feel any better?” he asked.

She shrugged, “a little,” and lay beside him, curling her body closer. He pulled the bedcovers over them. She kissed his chest softly and slid an arm around him. He began to stroke her hair and back, “I just feel sleepy all of a sudden.”

“You've had a busy day,” he said. He was worried something else was wrong, but didn't press. He knew she didn't want to be coddled. He then wrapped his arms around her wanting to protect her throughout the night. She sighed drifting back to sleep, “I love you Kathryn,” he whispered and had the computer lower the light. He soon fell asleep.

The next morning she felt considerably better and didn't go to sickbay.

Six Weeks Later

As Voyager began passing through a relative quiet area of space, they stopped to study a Class-J nebula that was emitting a new particle of radiation. On the second night, Kathryn and Chakotay lay in each other's arms after a session of lovemaking.

She groaned softly kissing his chest, “another Christmas in the Delta Quadrant. Neelix came to me today about this year's party.” She then lay beside him, the sheet pulled away from her slightly exposing her breasts.

Chakotay propped himself up on an elbow and began to trace invisible lines from her neck down to her first breast. “What did you tell him?”

She sighed, feeling a shiver travel through her, “oh what could I say? No? Of course I approved it.”

"Our first Christmas," he said softly, her buds had risen and hardened. He gently caressed one, loving the feel of her silken skin. She sighed arching her back to him, he knew she was enjoying it.

"It'll be nice," she moaned, her body was aroused again, she was ready to make love again.

Chakotay for the moment wasn't. He was caressing the right breast and his sensitive fingertips felt a firm spot alongside. He frowned, he knew this wasn't normal on her since it wasn't there the last time they made love over a week before. "Kathryn, what's this?"

She sighed, "what's what?"

"You have a lump," he replied, she opened her eyes staring up at him not quite sure she heard correctly. He nodded, "right here, it’s not that big, maybe about three inches. " She didn't want to hear this, not now, "Chakotay -” 

“Kathryn, this could be serious," he said firmly, "here, feel." He took her hand and placed it over it, then pressed her fingers against it. "Does that hurt?" 

She felt a little tender there, "no, but it's tender." He sat up and-reached for his robe, "where are you going?"

"Not just me," he said gazing at her. "You. We're going to sickbay now." 

She sat up, he was obviously worried, "Chakotay it's probably nothing."

"Have you had them before?"

She thought for a moment, then shrugged, "not really -”

"That's why you’re going," he replied. He slipped out of bed and began to dress back into his uniform. "Get dressed Kathryn - "

“Chakotay it's after 0100 - " she said, she now knelt on the bed pulling the sheet around her. He tossed her her uniform trousers, panties, bra and tee shirt. "What will the Doctor say with us coming in like this?" She was getting scared with his sudden actions. He was in his trousers and pulling on his shirt.

He looked at her, "tell him you discovered it while taking a bath or something and asked me there for moral support." 

"On something this personal?"

He walked around the bed and sat beside her. He touched her face, "we're best friends, remember?" She nodded, "my presence will be for that reason, not as your first officer." She glanced down, "Kathryn you have to know exactly what it is. I know you're scared.”

She rested her head against his shoulder. He was right, she had to know. He wrapped his arm around her gently. She sighed, after a moment, "okay," he kissed her forehead gently and pulled away, she started to get dressed.

=/\=

Shortly later Kathryn sat on the edge of the main biobed with Chakotay standing beside her. The Doctor was scanning her upper body closely, she was impatient and wanted answers.

He sighed after a moment, "you have a two centimeter tumor Captain." 

"What kind of tumor?"

The Doctor glanced briefly at Chakotay, "umm... this will be a bit personal and intimate Captain. Perhaps the Commander -?"

"I asked him to be with me Doctor," Kathryn said staring at him. "It's okay."

"Very well," he said with a sigh. "The tumor is located in the outer mammary glands of your right breast." He stopped for a moment, they waited, "however, I need to conduct a deeper scan to see if it's spread to your lymph nodes."

"What's that mean?" Chakotay asked.

"Doctor, please," she said, her voice shook. Chakotay reached out putting his hand over hers gently.

"Its ...” he replied glancing at both of them, then back at her. "Malignant -”

Kathryn felt as if the air had been sucked out of her lungs and the deck slip away. "What?" she asked shocked. Was he telling her what she thought she heard? She felt Chakotay take her hand gently. She gripped it tightly to stop herself from shaking. "What are you saying?" she asked weakly.

"You have a rare form," he replied gently as possible, "of breast cancer."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay, she looked back at the Doctor. “What do you mean by 'rare'?"

"I'm not sure exactly," he replied, "but it doesn't conform with the typical Alpha Quadrant cancer's that still exist now and then."

"How did I - ?" she asked, her thoughts were spinning. She tried to keep breathing so she wouldn't pass out or start crying. "I mean - "

"I have to conduct deeper scans," he told her gently, "to determine how far and if it's spread to your lymph nodes."

"Isn't there a treatment for this?" Chakotay asked for her. He was hoping this wasn't the news he'd be hearing.

"For the Alpha Quadrant," the Doctor replied, "but I'm not sure of the Delta." Kathryn felt her throat tighten with tears. She forced them back as her eyes stung with them. "I'm not sure the regular treatment will work." They were quiet as the diagnosis was absorbed, "Captain, please lie on the biobed. I should conduct these scans."

Kathryn nodded, she pulled herself back and slowly stretched out against it. The Doctor activated the sensor arms, which rose out from both sides to connect over her. He walked around to the other side to begin the scans. She glanced up at Chakotay as he stood on the opposite side. He smiled gently at her. She bit her lip. The tears were trying to come still, she reached up, wiping a stray one from the corner of her eye.

"It looks as if it's spread," he said, not looking at her, "to the first cluster of your lymph nodes beneath your armpit. It hasn't metastasized, so that's good. I'll work on a treatment for you to see if I can find a cure."

"And if you don't?"

The Doctor glanced over at Chakotay, whose face was calm, but the worry was seen on his face. He looked down at her saying softly, "I don't want to speculate -”

"Doctor!" she said, her voice trembled.

"Easy Kathryn," Chakotay said gently.

He sighed, "other arrangements might need to be made."

"Oh god," she whispered, her heart lurched as he just handed her a death sentence. "Oh my god -”

" - Captain," he said gently, "I'll work around the clock to find an effective treatment for you. In the meantime, I want you to notify me if the lump gets any bigger or you get nauseated in anyway."

The Doctor completed the scans and disengaged the sensor arms, Chakotay stared at him. "Is that all your going to do? What about more tests -?"

"Chakotay ... stop," she ordered as she sat up. He let her slide to the end of the bed. He walked over and took her hand again. He didn't care if the Doctor noticed. She needed him right now. "Doctor, please don't inform the crew of my condition - "

"Of course not, Captain," he said, "complete patient confidentiality. You'll let them know when your ready."

"Thank you," she said and slid off the bed and to her feet.

"I suggest you rest," he said, "as much as possible." She started to speak, he continued, "Captain any added stress won't be good for you. I suggest you delegate all non-essentials to the commander."

She nodded, "point well taken," she started to walk out. She needed to think, "I'll see you in the morning - "

" - Captain," he said, she stopped turning. "The tests might take a day, I'll let you know."

She stared at him, "very well, goodnight," and she walked out.

Chakotay looked at the Doctor, "thank you Doctor," and he quickly followed her out catching up with her further down the corridor. "Kathryn -”

She held up her hand, " - not now Chakotay - "

"Yes, now," he said, taking her arm pulling her around to him. The corridor was dim- lit and empty because of the early morning. She stared at him, "are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Kathryn stared at him, "I - " she said, "don't know - " and abruptly turned away from him walking towards the lift. He joined her as they rode it quietly to deck two and walked to her quarters.

=/\=

When they entered her still dark quarters, she stopped in the middle of the living area quietly. He stood just inside knowing the last thing either expected to hear was that she had an incurable cancer. She wrapped her arms around herself and he heard a muffled sob.

"Kathryn - " he said gently walking over to her.

"Chakotay - " she said with a quiet whimper. "I need ... to think," and gasped as she felt his arms slide around her gently pulling her against him. "Please - god, I can't believe this." 

"Everything will be fine," he said gently into her ear. "The Doctor will find a cure." 

"Maybe - " she said softly, he turned her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him resting her head against his shoulder. "Maybe - "

"He will, my love," he reassured her. "I'm never going to lose you." She responded by holding him tighter and let the tears slide quietly down her face.

The rest of the morning she barely slept, although he coaxed her into returning to bed. He held her and she clung to him, drifting in and out of a light sleep. Although her tears were silent, it wasn't the emotional outburst he expected to eventually hear.

When it was time for duty, he took a quick shower, put on a fresh uniform and kissed her gently telling her he'd see her on the bridge. She nodded telling him she'll shower and be right up, he left to relieve Harry.

=/\=

After Chakotay left, Kathryn stood in her bathroom after her shower staring at her image in the mirror. She just wore her robe and studied her breasts. For a middle-aged woman, they weren't too firm, but held up well even without support. She didn't see any abnormalities in the right one, but her hand went to feel the lump again and she felt her throat tighten with tears.

This isn't happening, she said to herself Not after Chakotay and I decided to become involved. 

Nevertheless, it was and she knew it must have been inevitable. She was scared knowing if the Doctor didn't find a cure, she'd have to prepare Chakotay for taking command of her ship.

A choked sob escaped from her, she put her hand to her mouth to stop it. She closed her eyes and focused on beginning to breathe. After several moments she felt in control again and then realized it was later than she thought.

"Computer, time?"

"0745 hours, " it replied.

She cursed quietly. She was 45 minutes late for her shift. She quickly dressed knowing Tuvok would be calling on her if he didn't hear from her by 0800.

=/\=

Chakotay sat with B'Elanna's monthly warp core analysis and glanced at the small chronometer located on the command console. Kathryn was late, she was never late to start her shift, unless she was elsewhere in the ship taking care of a problem She hadn't reported in to say otherwise either, he knew Tuvok would mention something.

Suddenly he heard the turbo lift doors slide open. He turned in his chair and saw her walk onto the bridge. Glancing briefly at her face, she held her chin up-and the command mask was in place.

"Good morning everyone," she said crisply stepping down to the command platform. "Sorry I'm late - "

"Quite alright, Captain," Tuvok said.

Kathryn met Chakotay's eyes, "report commander?"

"The nebula is starting to dissipate," he told her, "and B'Elanna's warp core analysis," he handed her the padd.

She nodded, glanced towards the viewscreen, "very well. Have I appropriate departments report in their analysis when done. Mr. Paris, continue with our set course."

"Yes, ma'am," he said from the helm.

"You have the bridge, commander," she said and turned heading down to her ready room.

Several hours later when the ship was on course again, Chakotay had gathered the reports to give her. He stood up and stepped down to her ready room doors touching the call button. She answered and the doors slid open, he walked in.

Expecting to find her at her desk, instead he found her standing with her arms wrapped around herself before the viewports staring out. "Yes, commander?" she asked quietly.

"The nebula analysis," he told her stepping up behind her. She didn't turn around, he dropped the protocol for a moment. "Are you alright Kathryn?"

She shrugged her voice flat, "as good as can be expected. For a dying woman."

"Gods Kathryn - " he said shocked, she already believed there was no hope. "Please, don't think like that - "

"Why not?" she asked. "It's true -”

He sighed, "have you heard from the Doctor?"

She shook her head, "no, not yet."

"Then there's still hope," he said firmly, he put his hands on her shoulders. "Please Kathryn, don't give up."

She stood feeling his support, her eyes burned with tears. She reached up putting a hand over his. "Chakotay - I'm scared - "

"I know," he said gently pulling her against him. He tenderly kissed beneath her ear, "just don't give up Kathryn, please."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you," he replied tenderly, "so much." They stood quietly for several moments, he sighed, "are you in the mood to read some reports?"

Kathryn smiled softly, she turned facing him, "I might as well. I need something to take my mind off my problem."

Chakotay smiled, pleased to see her true nature come back. "They're on your desk, Captain."

She smirked, kissed him gently and sighed, "thank you. I needed this," he nodded. "Dismissed commander."

"Yes, ma'am," he said with a nod, turned and walked out. She stepped down to her desk picking up the padds and walked around sitting down.

=/\=

Later that evening after Kathryn left the bridge, Chakotay stayed well into Beta shift waiting for Tuvok to return so he could take charge. Although it was quiet, his thoughts were on Kathryn.

When Tuvok arrived, he bid him goodnight and left to go check on her. He found her in her quarters sitting in her armchair. Her uniform jacket was off and draped over her desk end. They were supposed to have dinner, but he saw no place settings or nothing programmed in the replicator.

She glanced over at him, "I'm sorry for not preparing anything, I'm not hungry."

He sighed rubbing his face, "when did you eat last Kathryn? You didn't have lunch today."

"Yesterday. Last night," she replied.

"Kathryn you have to eat," he said concerned. She shook her head, “I know you’re scared, so am I. But you have to - "

"-Leave me alone Chakotay," she said angrily.

"No, I won't," he stated, she glared at him. "You need me Kathryn.” She looked away not arguing, "I'll make us some soup - "

"I'll barely be able to hold it down," she said. "My stomach is in knots.”

"Eat what you can," he told her walking over to her replicator. “Computer, one bowl of tomato soup and a bowl of minestrone." Two appeared on the base. He picked up her tomato and a spoon from the base walking over to her. "Sip it easy, okay?” She nodded taking it, he returned with his a moment later and sat on the sofa opposite her.  
They ate the soup in silence. Kathryn managed to relax enough to finish most of it. She realized she was hungry. Due to her current state and emotional factors were so overwhelmed, she couldn't feel it.

She put the bowl on the coffee table in front of her, she sank back against the chair. "That was good, thank you," she said.

He finished his and smiled, "your welcome and I knew you were hungry.”

She stared at him, a soft smile formed, "you always have." 

"Would you like to go to the holodeck?" he asked, wanting to keep her relaxed. 

Kathryn thought for a moment, and then shook her head, "no, I still haven't heard from the Doctor."

"He said it'd be at least 24 hours -”

"I don't care," she said firmly and stood up. "I can't go on like this Chakotay. Not knowing anymore than I already do."

"I'll go with you," he said standing.

"I want you to," she replied. He took her hand and she grasped his gently. Then she let go and walked over pulling on her uniform jacket, she fastened it and turned to him, “let's go," he nodded and walked out with her.

=/\=

When they arrived in sickbay, they found the Doctor in the lab looking at some blood tests "Report," she ordered.

He turned finding his commanding officers walking in. The captain's face was set with the determination he recognized and she wanted answers. "I still haven't completed my findings - "

She held her hand up, "tell me what you've found out so far Doctor.”

He sighed, "very well," and paused. "Your cancer was caused by theta radiation.”

"Theta?" she said shocked. "I haven't been exposed - " 

"It had to have happened several weeks or months ago," he replied. “It's taken its time to manifest."

"What about cell degradation?" Chakotay asked curious. "That's common with theta poisoning."

"I realize that," the Doctor said, "but this isn't your typical poisoning. It somehow penetrated the cells specifically. I'm trying to find out how."

Kathryn nodded, "status on finding a treatment?"

The Doctor frowned, "I'm sorry, I have nothing yet." He waited "also this cancer is more progressive than the earth-based kind."

"Progressive?"

He nodded, "typically human females with this type of cancer, is treatable. Yours has already advanced well into stage two. If you had the other kind, it'd still be in stage one."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. He could see the shock on her face her at that moment. She looked back at the Doctor and asked tightly, "I see. How long do I have?"

"Captain!" he said quickly, "please don't jump to conclusions. I'll find a cure. I promise you." She shook her head, "please, I'm doing all I can." 

"I know you are," she said softly.

"Although its spread to the first," he said, "cluster of your lymph nodes. It shows no indication of spreading to your chest wall yet."

"So that's good?" Chakotay asked.

The Doctor nodded, "oh yes, very good. But I still want to monitor you closely for awhile Captain."

"How and when?"

"I'll need to run a scan on you daily," he replied, "whenever your time allows."

Kathryn bit her lip. The last thing she wanted was to spend all her time in sickbay, but it looked as if it was going to come to that. She had to be alone, the tears were coming and now she feared that she wouldn't be able to hold them back.

"Thank you, Doctor," she said, her voice cracked. She sighed, “just keep me informed. If you'll excuse me," and she walked out, trying not to run.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay called after her, the lab doors slid closed after her. He turned back to the Doctor, "is a cure possible?"

"I don't know - "

"You have to find a cure," he said firmly, "this ship and crew need her -"

"I know that, commander," the Doctor replied. "The crew would take it very hard if something happened to her."

Chakotay nodded, knowing he'd take it worse than the rest because of how much he loved her. "I know," he said, "some will more than others." He now wanted to go find her, "keep at it Doctor."

"Yes, sir," he said with a nod.

Chakotay then turned and walked out into the corridor. Kathryn was nowhere around. A few people wandered the corridor since it was late evening. He tapped his commbadge, "Chakotay to Janeway," and received no answer. He sighed, "Chakotay to Janeway, please respond," still no answer. He sighed, "computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is on Holodeck One, " it said.

He nodded and headed to the nearest turbo lift.

=/\=

When he arrived outside the holodeck, he saw a different program running. Something she'd just created not too long ago. He checked to be sure there were no privacy locks and there wasn't. He stepped forward and the doors opened. He entered finding himself in a field surrounded by wildflowers, grass up to his knees, a warm breeze and deep blue sky. There was a glare, but he could see a tree in the distance. He shaded his eyes, "Kathryn?" and began to walk towards the tree. As he walked he realized she had recreated her home in Indiana.

Once he neared the tree, he saw a tree swing hanging from a high branch and a figure on it. He quietly approached finding her sitting on the swing. "Kathryn?" he said gently.

She glanced over at him. She sighed, "I'll never see this crew home Chakotay."

"Yes, you will," he said, she wiped her eyes. His heart went out to her, "Kathryn don't give up, you've fought more difficult battles these past six years - "

"They all had a predicted end!" she snapped. "This only has one Chakotay, I'm going to die soon - " and a sob escaped her. He walked over and knelt in front of her gently taking her hands. "I want to go home - I'll never see my mother again - "

"Kathryn," he said tenderly, he reached out stroking the side of her face. The tears were sliding down her face. He gently brushed them away. "Oh love, the Doctor is going to work until he's exhausted all possibilities."

She nodded, "it won't matter - " and sniffed trying to control herself. But she had held it in for so long, she started to cry softly putting her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her as she sank down onto his knees from the swing wrapping her arms around him.

Chakotay stroked her hair and back, "everything will be fine Kathryn," he said gently. "Just don't give up." His knees and back were starting to ache. He saw the tree was close enough and he moved them against it, still holding her as she cried into his shoulder. "I'll be there for you the whole time love."

"Why now?" she asked amidst her tears.

"What?"

"Just as we finally decided to follow our feelings," she replied. 'This happens."

He held her tighter and kissed the top of her head gently, "don't worry Kathryn, we won't let this disease come between us." At least she was calming now.

She was quiet for several moments, and then said, "I have to tell the crew." 

"If you think it's time - "

"And you have to prepare," she continued, "to take command-”

He took her face in his hands, "Kathryn that's not going to happen. I'm not going to let you die - "

" - You have no control over that Chakotay," she said.

He stared at her and gently brushed the remaining tears from her face. "I know," he said gently and kissed her softly. She responded clinging to him, he held her tighter. He began to kiss her face and eyes closed. She sighed sinking against him, “I love you so much and I need you. The crew needs you - "

" - I need ... you to," she whimpered, "and... the crew."

"We'll be there for you," he told her and she cried softly again as he held her tightly.

When she had calmed finally, over an hour had passed and they left back to her quarters to retire for the night. She decided to inform the crew of her condition that next morning. As he held her that night, she started to cry again. He crooned gently to her, letting her cry herself to sleep. She was exhausted.

The next morning when the senior staff convened for their weekly meeting, she waited for all regular business to be concluded before informing them of her condition.

"Before we return to our duties," she said trying to keep her voice steady. "I have something to tell you," she paused trying to remain focused. Her staff and crew waited. She glanced over to the Doctor who smiled softly at her, then at Chakotay who offered her a smile of support.

"Captain?" Neelix asked sensing what she was going to say wouldn't be good. "Is everything alright?"

She stared at her friends, whom she had grown so close to after all these years. "I've been diagnosed - " and stopped, her throat was tight. She forced herself to swallow, she stood up and stepped away from the table, she folded her arms over her chest. They waited patiently, "I have breast cancer," she quickly said.

Silence stretched throughout the room, "cancer?" Neelix said confused. "What's that?"

"It's a form of carcinoma of the blood cells and tissues," the Doctor said. "In brief, a growth was found in the Captain's right breast and has spread to other parts of her lymphatic system."

"Isn't there a cure for this?" B'Elanna asked shocked.

"This isn't your garden variety cancer," the Doctor said. "It originated in this quadrant and was caused by exposure to theta radiation."

"Theta radiation?" Harry said still in shock over the news. “We haven't been near theta radiation in months."

"How did you get exposed?" Tom asked in disbelief.

Kathryn glanced over at him, "I don't know -”

"Is there a cure?" Tuvok asked.

"Not at this moment," the Doctor replied, "although I've been working around the clock to find one. This is a progressive form, time is of the essence."

"I'll assist you," B'Elanna said.

"As will I," Seven added. "I will check our previous course over the last several months to find out where she was exposed."

Kathryn wanted to cry there, her friends were jumping in immediately to help her. She inhaled deeply focusing, and then sighed, "any help would be appreciated thank you." She paused, and then said, "I need you to inform all your departments accordingly. However, please, I don't want any sympathy, I still have a ship to run and this disease isn't running my life yet. Just treat me as you always would - "

" - But Captain," Harry said, "we'd like to be there for you."

She stared at her youngest staff member. She had grown fond of Harry over the years watching him grow into a responsible officer, compared to the green ensign fresh from the academy six years ago. She smiled at him, "I'd like you to be there all of you," her voice shook, "but you have duties to perform, and that takes precedence."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, Tom patted his arm.

"Any questions you might have," she said, "the Doctor will be happy to inform you of the basics. My personal medical record will remain confidential. So if that's it?" Nobody answered, "fine, dismissed," and all began to stand, but didn't leave the room. B'Elanna approached her and just embraced her gently, Kathryn gasped in shock of the gesture. She tried not to cry, and then her chief engineer pulled away and quickly left the room.

After that, Harry and Tom offered their personal support, Seven told her she wouldn't regenerate until a solution was found and they left with the Doctor. Chakotay remained as Tuvok offered his own offer of mental support and returned to duty.

Once they were alone, Chakotay said, "they care deeply for you Kathryn."

"I know," she said softly and wiped her eyes. "I never realized?" and he stepped over taking her in his arms gently. She held him resting her head against his shoulder. After several minutes she pulled away with a sigh, "let's get back to work," he nodded, kissed her gently and they walked out.

The rest of the crew knew of Kathryn's condition by the end of Alpha shift. All were shocked as a wave of silence spread through each department. They forced themselves to work, tried to show her they could continue even with her condition known.

Kathryn tried to keep her life normal, although she had to force herself to go to sickbay at the end of Alpha shift for her scan, Chakotay went with her. He stood beside her as the Doctor began conducting a full body scan to be sure it hadn't spread elsewhere.

When she was finished, she sat up as the Doctor gave his report. "All negative right now Captain," he told her. "It's still contained just in those lymph nodes." She nodded, "but since this morning I might have found a temporary solution."

"Temporary?"

He nodded, "yes, it might hold off the growth of the tumor for awhile." 

"What treatment is it?"

"Another form of hyronoline," he replied, "except a low dosage.”

"I see," she said, glancing at Chakotay. "What do I need to do?”

"A simple injection each day," he replied, and walked over to his instrument table. He picked up a hypo and added a cartridge and programmed it. "After each scan should be sufficient, if I need to increase the dosage I will." He walked back over to her and put the hypo to her neck, she tilted her head accordingly and heard the hiss of the spray. "Let me know of any side effects -"

"Side effects?"

He nodded, "nausea, loss of appetite," she stared at him. "Captain, this is an experimental drug - "

" - Okay," she said with a nod, "I understand. May I go?"

"Yes," he said, "I'll see you tomorrow night," she slid off the bed and left sickbay with Chakotay.

They walked side by side along the corridor towards the lift heading for dinner in the messhall. She groaned, "every night I have to go through this – ”

"It's the only way," he told her.

"I know," she said and they stopped outside the lift. She pressed the call button, "as much as he's trying to help, I just don't know."

"He'll find something," he said, the lift doors slid open and they entered. "Messhall," he told the computer as the doors slid closed. "Do you really feel like eating tonight?"

She shrugged, "I'm going to try," and glanced at him. He smiled reaching out and stroked her face, she kissed his hand. The lift slowed and he pulled his hand away just as the lift doors opened and they walked out. 

Later they ended up in his quarters, but she found she couldn't make love. She found the idea of him touching her while suffering from this cancer unpleasant. She pulled away from him apologizing, she no longer felt attractive despite his soothing words. He pulled her back and just held her telling her he understood.

The next two weeks she fell into the routine of visiting sickbay each evening. The crew conducted themselves accordingly around her when she was walking around the ship and visiting various departments. The only side effect from the new medication was the loss of appetite and she was starting to lose weight, which in turn made her feel even more unattractive to Chakotay. He tried to tell her otherwise, but she couldn't see it and it was starting to put a strain on their relationship.

She started to grow more depressed and at times felt like bursting into tears. At these times she had to retreat to her ready room to regain her composure, she wouldn't let the crew see her distressed.

Chakotay was concerned about her, he could see her depression and wanted to help, but she continued to push him away. He tried many times to tell her still found her attractive and the weight loss didn't matter. She refused to hear it and was just letting him hold her most nights. He wanted more. Anytime he tried to show her, she pulled away from him. He didn't know what else he could do and was running out of ideas.

During one of his sessions in his office, he called up the history of breast cancer from the ship's database and its effect on the woman and her partner The data opened new ideas for him and allowed him to see there was a way to make her feel attractive. He also read over a dozen testimonies from survivors and family members, he was positive she'd survive this. He had to believe it, for both of them.

=/\=

Later that evening he tried talking to her about what he was feeling, but she got angry and pulled away from him as they sat on the sofa. "Stop it," she said trying not to let her emotions take over. "Please Chakotay - I can't make love. I can't do much of anything but try to remain calm and breathe."

He stared at her, and then rose to his feet, "its okay Kathryn."

"How can it be okay?" she asked sharply. "My body is being destroyed by cancer! I can't eat, I've lost over 10 pounds these past two weeks - " she trembled feeling the tears building.

"I'm sorry," he said gently, "but Kathryn you have to understand how I feel. I love you and you're still beautiful no matter what -” 

“You want to have sex?" she asked him directly, his eyes widened. "Fine, just do it, I'm right here," and stood with her legs apart allowing him to use her.

"Kathryn!" he said shocked. Although she was still wearing her uniform trousers and shirt, which hung a little on her, her stance was evident to what she was saying. "Damn it, that's not it!" He stopped trying to calm knowing getting upset wouldn't help either of them. 

"Then what is it?" she asked, her voice shook.

"I love you," he said gently, "and I want to show you. The cancer doesn't matter Kathryn. I love you no matter what. You're still so damn beautiful to me," he saw a tear slide down her face. "Please, let me in, let me help you - "

"Why? I can't understand why," she asked softly.

"Why what?"

She shook her head putting her hand to her mouth to stem the tears. She tried to breathe, she felt herself growing more emotional. She was so tired, afraid and helpless. No matter what he tried telling her, she couldn't understand it. "I - ” she whimpered. "I feel so damn helpless Chakotay and I'm afraid."

"I know," he said softly and walked towards her slowly. "I'm afraid to Kathryn. The thought of losing you terrifies me. I'll support you anyway I can. I also, want to be with you."

"Chakotay - " she whispered, "I feel so helpless - " he walked over to her and reached out to hold her. She stepped away, "don't please - "

"Kathryn," he said gently reaching out and this time pulled her to him. She tried to pull away, but he gently stopped her. He wrapped his arms around her and she started to cry sinking against him. He held her tighter crooning softly to her, "I love you Kathryn, please love, just believe that." The tears wouldn't stop now, he turned her into his arms stroking her hair and back tenderly. She wrapped her arms around him just he lifted her up into his arms. She was tired and weak from hunger, because eating was impossible for her. He turned and carried her into her bedroom lowering her down onto the bed and lay beside her holding her.

Kathryn tried to calm her emotions, but it was all spilling out and she couldn't control it. She pressed her body to his to get as close to him as possible. He held her tighter stroking her back kissing her face and drying her tears.

"Just relax," he whispered, her gaze caught his and he smiled gently at her. “You're so beautiful my love. I'll always love you - "

She reached up cupping the side of his face, "oh Chakotay, what would I do without you? I can't imagine going through this alone - "

"Your never alone," he said lovingly, he stroked her tears away gently. She embraced him burying her face in his neck and shoulder. He kissed her neck gently. She was calming and clung to him now. He forced his desire for her back because he wasn't sure how she felt on making love at that moment. He sighed, "I've got an idea -"

"What?" she asked softly, her voice husky from her tears.

"I think a nice long bath," he replied, "will do you wonder's right now.”

Kathryn lifted her head gazing at him, she smiled softly, "that does sound nice.”

He nodded with a smile, "I think so," and kissed her gently. She responded to him, after a moment he forced himself to pull away. "Come on, you get changed and I'll start the water," she nodded as he rolled off the bed. She sat up watching him enter the bathroom.

Kathryn realized he was right about a bath. She was so tense her muscles ached. She slid off the bed beginning to change out of her uniform. Once stripped, she pulled on her bathrobe and walked into the bathroom, she gasped in shock and delight.

He had the lights low, and her candles were lit all around. She could smell her lavender oil scenting the atmosphere as the steam from the water rose from the thick layer of soap bubbles from the surface.

"Oh Chakotay," she breathed, "it's beautiful," he stood near the sink lighting the last candle. She inhaled the scented air and already felt the tension start to leave her body.

"It's just what you need," he said smiling at her. "Now get in," pulled a small towel from the nearby towel rack. She then wrapped her hair up in a turban and began to remove the robe. He took it from her and helped her in. She sank down into the hot water, but didn't immerse completely yet. She sat wrapping her arms around her knees. He knelt beside her dipping his hand into the hot water and slid it up her bare back. She looked at him, "relax Kathryn, just let yourself go, let the water soothe you.”

"I know," she whispered and sighed. She then forced herself to slide back against the high back immersing herself as the water slid up to her neck and the warmth penetrated each fiber of her body. She gave a sigh of relief closing her eyes.

Chakotay smiled softly, he sat for a moment watching her as she relaxed enough that he decided to get her a glass of wine. He pulled his hand out of the water, “I'll be right back," he said softly, she nodded with a moan. He stood up and walked out to the replicator, "one white wine please," and a glass appeared on the base. He took it and turned heading back. "Computer, lights off," the lights went out in the living area. He stopped in the bedroom putting the glass down on her nightstand and removed his long-sleeved shirt. The bathroom was warm and he wanted to be comfortable. Once satisfied, he picked up the wine bringing it in to her.

He knelt beside the tub, "here Kathryn," she opened her eyes.

"Wine?" she asked softly, he nodded. She smirked, "how come you know me so well?"

He dipped his hand into the water as she reached forward taking the glass from him. At that same time, he stroked an exposed knee. She shivered and gave a lopsided grin. He sighed, "after six years of working with you, I got to know all your little tendencies, likes and dislikes."

She rolled the glass of wine between her wet hands staring at him, "you know this for the whole crew?"

He smiled tenderly at her, his eyes twinkled, "no, just because I fell in love."

"Chakotay - " she whispered and took a sip of the wine to avoid feeling the tears. She drank a little more and then said, "I'm sorry for being so emotional earlier."

"I understand," he said softly. "I just want you to let me help you," she nodded. "Despite how things look now, I believe everything will be fine."

She continued to sip the wine, its liquid warming her more as it settled in her stomach. Surprisingly, she didn't feel nauseous at all, "I feel more helpless now then when I did fighting the Borg."

"You know I'm here when you need to talk," he told her, "or cry and if you even want to yell. I'll be your sounding board Kathryn -”

"You have been since day one," she shrugged, "your just volunteering now," and he chuckled. She finished the wine and handed him the glass, he took it placing it on the floor beside him, "thanks, that helped," he smiled reaching up stroking her face. She kissed his hand gently, "I love you Chakotay - "

"I love you," he whispered and kissed her forehead. She sighed reaching up and out wrapping an arm around his neck. He felt the water that was clinging to her arm trickle down his bare back. He started to kiss her face with warm soft open kisses and when he reached her mouth, kissed her deeply and gently.

Kathryn groaned softly responding. Her entire body and mind was relaxed at that moment and she felt beautiful again for the first time since her cancer diagnosis. Moreover, she suddenly wanted him, despite her inability to eat real food, she still found she hungered for his closeness and love. She then knelt wrapping her arms around him pressing her wet, soft body against his bare chest.

"Kathryn," he groaned feeling his arousal, he hoped she wasn't teasing him. He pulled her tighter, sliding his hands up her warm, wet sides. "Only if you want to love," he said tenderly.

"Yes," she whispered, husky with desire. "Yes, I want you to Chakotay, please," and he kissed her deeply again pulling her up against him as he stood up. The water ran down her body clinging to him, as his trousers absorbed it. He lifted her out of the tub and she released the turban from her hair as it fell around her face and shoulders.

He grabbed a towel wrapping it around her and lifted her into his arms kissing her again. He walked them into the bedroom and lowered her to the bed kissing her face working his way down to where the towel began. He reached up pulling it open, "let me show you how beautiful you are," he said lovingly. Slowly he pulled the towel away and began to dry her. She lay staring up at him as he tenderly dried each limb, and then started at her throat. Her breath quickened with each gentle stroke of the towel, he reached her right breast.

She gasped partly in fear and shock of his intention, she reached out crying, "no, Chakotay - please -!"

He kissed her gently wrapping his arms around her, she responded with a moan. He slid his hands up cupping her breasts and she began to cry. He whispered kissing her face drying her tears, "your so beautiful Kathryn, please its okay."

"Not there, oh god!" she whimpered, despite feeling how gentle he was being. She didn't feel like a woman when he touched that breast.

"Kathryn your beautiful everywhere," he soothed tenderly, his palms caressed her buds as they peaked against them. "Trust me love, just trust me," he lowered her back down against the bed hearing her start to calm. He tossed the towel to the side and lie against her as her hands slid up his back. He slowly began to kiss down her, beneath her ears and then to her throat. She tilted her head back running her hands through his soft black hair.

She was relaxed again as he feathered her with soft tender kisses, and yet she still feared when he went to that breast. "Chakotay," she breathed, "I love you," and felt him cup the breast gently again, she moaned. "Please, don't - " and he tenderly took the bud in his mouth beginning to savor it. She gripped his hair biting her lip, she knew he was trying to show her how he felt about her, but she couldn't bear it. "Chakotay, oh god - " and he moved to the other one savoring it, she whimpered in relief clinging to him.

He heard her cries of despair when he touched that breast and she was starting to get upset. To spare her any more pain, he moved to the other one and she relaxed in his arms again. He slowly kissed down to her abdomen, shaping out the small waist and the gentle flair of her hips. Her legs parted slowly as he moved closer to her womanhood. She groaned softly when he placed his mouth on her and she arched her back to his crying out feeling his tongue dart inside her drinking in her hot core. He tasted her and discovered with even how aroused she was, it was taking longer for her to ready for him. Another side effect of the medication she was on.

Kathryn felt the ache build in the pit of her stomach as he manipulated her. She felt it build tighter and sweeter. When it burst she cried out gripping his head arching her back. She gasped as her body quaked, he still didn't stop, "Chakotay please," she whimpered, "please, I want you inside me - "

"Not yet, my love," he responded tenderly, "you’re not ready yet. I don't want to hurt you.”

"Oh god," she whispered as she felt another orgasm build.

He wanted her ready enough to accept him. She was almost there. He didn't mind keeping this up, no matter how long it took her now. He heard her cries of pleasure and he wanted her so badly at that moment it hurt, but he wasn't going to rush this. He held back his own desire until she was ready enough for him. When her body shuddered again to his manipulations she was ready. He began to kiss up her and began to remove his trousers while kicking off his boots.

"Now!" she commanded feeling his warm bare body pressed against her. She slid her legs around his hips as he kissed her deeply. She tasted herself on him as their tongues meshed in the gentle passion. He positioned himself against her and she cried out against his mouth when he finally joined them deeply and firmly.

He groaned feeling her body surround his and began to move slowly against her and lifted her hips to his. "My Kathryn," he groaned as she clung to him, he continued to move slowly until neither could take no more. They kissed deeply again an, he rolled her over against him, he ran his hands up into her hair gripping it gently, she moved her hips downward sitting up. He watched her letting her lead for a moment, his own release was building. However, he loved the desire seen on her face as she forgot about her cancer right now. "You're so beautiful," he whispered and sat up wrapping his arms around her kissing her. They began to rock gently holding each other. She gasped again him feeling her own release building.

She wanted him deeper now as she moved her hips against his, and he sensed that, since they knew each other so well. He lowered her back down to the bed beginning to move deeper. She wrapped her legs higher around his waist urging him.

He felt her muscles start to clench him even tighter and he began to move harder drawing them closer. He groaned burying his face in her neck and hair, she began to cry out his name clutching him tightly.

Kathryn felt like crying again as she cried out his name, her release growing stronger and deeper. How she loved this man as she kissed his face and neck. Suddenly she felt her release burst and her body shuddered violently against his, her back aching to him.

Chakotay felt her release and continued to move against her, his came and he groaned clinging to her as his life spilled into hers. He collapsed against her gasping, she began to cry again and he kissed her neck and throat stroking her hair. He gazed at her, the tears slid down her face and he kissed her gently, she responded. He lay beside her pulling her against him as he stroked her face drying her tears. 

"Oh god," she whimpered, clinging to him as he stroked her back. "I love you, I love you so much."

"I love you," he said gently wrapping his arms around her. She buried her face against his neck and throat as her tears calmed. He continued to stroke her back gently and she slowly quieted.

After several minutes, Kathryn wiped her face and suddenly she remembered what might have caused the cancer. She sighed, "Chakotay?"

"Yes, my love?"

"Remember when we visited that mining facility?" she asked.

He nodded, "yes, the Rendarsians, why?"

"That's where I got it," she replied and lifted her head gazing at him. "They had all this stray radiation everywhere. Even though we wore protective suits. And remember that evening I was sick?"

Chakotay vividly remembered that dinner she got ill, as he thought about it, now it all made sense. "Yes - "

"I should have seen the Doctor then," she admitted, "but I didn't listen to you."

"Kathryn you couldn't have known - "

She shook her head, "I should have, and I’m a captain." She groaned, "like the Doctor has claimed, us starship captains are stubborn as mules." She sighed, "I guess he's right, except now I have a cancer that can't be cured." She sighed, "next time - if there is a next time, you take me personally to sickbay."

"You won't throw me in the brig?"

She smirked, "no, because you respected my feelings tonight, thank you."

"I love you," he said and she kissed him gently. He responded, she then laid her head against his chest. Her eyes slowly drooped closed as she drifted off to sleep, he held her gently. Shortly later, he managed to pull her bedcovers down and pulled them over them settling down and fell asleep as well.

Kathryn sighed softly opening her eyes and turned over onto her back. She felt Chakotay asleep beside her and the warmth of the bedcovers over them. The cabin was dark and the ship was cruising quietly at warp four. She glanced over at her chronometer, 0515.

It was still early enough she didn't have to get ready for duty for at least another 45 minutes. She closed her eyes remembering the night before and smiled at Chakotay's love for her. She was happy they finally got together and he was being so supportive of her cancer. It saddened her still knowing there was a chance she'd die from this, so she decided she was going to live each moment to the fullest and to leave him with memories to last a lifetime.

She realized she also had to use the bathroom and quietly slid out of bed. She remembered her robe was still in the bathroom and walked in. The lights flicked on sensing her presence. She squinted and grabbed her robe that was hanging up beside the tub. She wrapped it around her and saw the tub was filled now with cold water. She released the plug letting it drain and then took care of her personal business.

Once done, she was ready to crawl back into bed with Chakotay for the last half- hour. Before doing so, she stopped in front of her mirror staring at herself. Her hair was in disarray around her from their lovemaking and skin glowed. She hesitated for a moment on opening her robe to examine herself. Nevertheless, did as the Doctor suggested and turned leaning against the wall raising her right arm over her head and with the other hand reached up to feel the lump.

As she did, she noticed it was bigger and she shook her head exhaling trying to relax. It was morning and she wasn't quite awake yet.

Relax Kathryn, she told herself. She focused and felt again. Yes, it was bigger and she felt a sob rise in her throat. The Doctor's medication wasn't working. It was obvious now. She lowered her arm and wrapped her arms around herself trying not to cry. She tilted back her bead and wanted to call out for Chakotay, but her voice was frozen. She slowly slid down to the floor closing her eyes trying to stop the tears. Just when she was feeling beautiful again, it was all meaningless.

Chakotay stirred softly and reached out feeling for Kathryn and found her space cold and empty. He groaned lifting his head peering through the dark. "Kathryn?" and his gaze caught a sliver of light coming through the bathroom door. He sat up rubbing his face, he sighed, "computer, time?"

"0555 hours," it replied.

He sighed again and wondered why she was in the bathroom, unless she couldn't sleep and was getting up early to ready for duty. "Kathryn you okay?" he called out to her. She didn't answer. Concerned, he pushed the bedcovers aside swinging his legs over to the side. Slowly he stood up and ambled around the bed, he found his boxes shorts and pulled them on. He walked over to the bathroom stepping in, "Kathryn?" He then saw her curled up against the wall into a tight ball, he heard quiet sobbing and he sprang over to her.  
"Kathryn, what's wrong love?" He knelt beside her touching her arm gently, she shook her head, "it's okay, talk to me."

Kathryn raised her head, her eyes and face red from crying. He reached out drying her tears gently, "it’s bigger," she whispered.

"What is?" he asked gently.

Her lip trembled, "my tumor -”

"Oh Kathryn," he said softly and she put her face in her hands beginning to cry softly again. "Come here," and sank down next her pulling her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him curling beside him. He let her cry for a few more minutes. Then he rubbed her back gently, "Kathryn I think we should go to sickbay before duty. The Doctor did say if any changes -”

She nodded, "I know," and sighed wiping her face. "After last night I felt so good and now - now - " she felt ready to burst into tears again.

"Kathryn last night was beautiful," he said and took her face in his hands. She stared at him, "don't you ever forget that," she shook her head. He placed a kiss on her forehead gently and then on her nose smiling, "you're so beautiful -”

"I love you Chakotay," she whispered.

"I love you," he said tenderly and kissed her gently, she responded. After a moment he pulled away, "come on, we both have to get ready before going to sickbay. And we don't want to be late for duty."

"Point well taken," she agreed softly, he slowly stood and then pulled her to her feet. 

"Now take a shower and I'll pick you up in 20 minutes," he said as he stroked the side of her face.

"Okay," she said softly with a nod. He kissed her one last time and walked out into the bedroom picking up his uniform. He then called for a beam out to his quarters and shimmered from view. She sighed running a hand through her hair, “computer, start sonic shower," and heard it go on. She grabbed a fresh towel and walked over to it, removed her robe hanging it beside the stall and stepped inside letting the pulsating water run over her.

She was ready in those 20 minutes, except for her hair. She heard her doorchime and knew it was him. She walked out to the living area carrying her brush, come in, "and Chakotay entered. "I'm almost ready - "

He nodded, "we've got a few minutes," she walked back towards the bathroom. He followed her. He watched her finish her hair, she looked better than when he left her shortly before. "How are you now?"

She stared at him through the reflection, she shrugged, "the same." She turned to him, fighting the tears. "How am I supposed to feel?"

Chakotay walked over to her pulling her against him, "what your feeling right now," he answered softly and she slid her arms around him resting her head against his shoulder. He held her tightly. She was trying to stay in control, as much as her life now was spinning out of control. He stroked her back with a sigh, "come on Kathryn, we have to go."

She nodded with a sigh, "your right," and he pulled away. They headed out towards the door, "computer, lights off," and released their hands before stepping out into an empty corridor. They headed to a lift to take them to sickbay.

=/\=

The moment they entered sickbay, the Doctor greeted them Kathryn told him of the tumor increase and he immediately had her lay on the biobed so he could scan her. Chakotay stood beside her waiting until it was complete. When the Doctor was finished, he disengaged the clamshell arms. Chakotay took her hand helping her sit up.

"The tumor has spread to your secondary," he said gently, "lymph nodes."

"Has it metastasized?" she asked firmly.

"No," he said looking at her, "but you are beginning stage three."

Kathryn nodded, she sighed, "Doctor when I toured that mining facility two months ago, there was stray radiation everywhere. B'Elanna and I wore protective suits, is it possible I was exposed there?"

"Well, it's certainly a possibility," he agreed.

She thought for a moment, "B'Elanna? Have you scanned her to see if she has any poisoning?"

He shook his head, "not yet, but I'll have her report to sickbay right away."

"What about the dilithium?" Chakotay asked curious, he now held Kathryn's hand. A complete show of support each time she visited. "Is it possible the answer is there?"

"I'll have her bring me a sample as well," he said with a nod. He walked over and picked up a hypo from his instrument tray. "Apparently that medication you were taking wasn't effective, my next best thing is to try something stronger."

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay nervous, he squeezed her hand gently. She looked at the Doctor who stood in front of her, "what is it?"

"Hyronoline," he replied, "but not your usual dosage. It's been multiplied by a factor of five - "

"Five!" Chakotay said shocked. "Why so high?"

"You have a progressive cancer, Captain," he explained. "I need to control it somehow. Hyronoline is the only available alternative."

"I understand," she said, "how often?"

"Perhaps every other day," he replied, "it depends on the cancer. I do suggest you take the day off Captain, with a dosage this high, it's hard to say how it'll affect you."

"I can't do that," she said, "I've got too much work to do."

"Captain," he reasoned with her, "the side effects could include bouts of nausea, loss of appetite or worse."

"What's worse than not being able to eat?" she asked harshly. “I haven't eaten real food for over a week!"

"Kathryn," Chakotay said gently, "please -"

She shook her head, "I'm - sorry Doctor, I'm a little on edge. That's all."

"Quite understandable," he said. "Now may I give you this?"

She stared at the hypo in his hand, then nodded, "yes and I'll work until I can't."

"That's up to you," he said and reached over, she tilted her head to the side letting him administer the drug. She felt it enter her system with stinging warmth. He pulled away and she put her other hand over the spot rubbing it, "I'm also giving you the strongest dosage of improvaline, to use should the nausea get bad."

Kathryn took it from him with a nod, "thank you." She slid off the biobed, "now if we don't leave, we'll both be late for duty. Commander?"

"Of course," he said following her out, "good day Doctor," and caught up with her in the corridor. "Captain," he said, she looked at him as he walked beside her. He lowered his voice, "shouldn't you take the day off?"

Kathryn shook her head, "no, I feel fine right now."

"You sure?" he asked.

They stopped outside a lift. She touched the call button turning to him. "Chakotay I'm fine right now," she told him, her command mask in place. He studied her, and then nodded. She smiled softly at him, although aware of passing crewmembers. The lift doors opened and they stepped in, the doors closed, "please, not while we're on duty," she said.

He took her face in his hands, "I'm sorry Kathryn, but I have more reasons than the rest to worry about you."

"I know," she whispered and he kissed her gently, she responded. After a moment pulled away from him, "thank you for being there.”

"Always will be," he told her.

She nodded, "I know," and sighed, "deck one," and the lift started.

=/\=

Kathryn seemed to be fine throughout the morning. Chakotay left the bridge by early afternoon to take care of the next month's duty rosters in his office and to see some personal that had appointments with him.

He was working on the final roster when his doorchime rang, "come in," he said and the doors slid open. B'Elanna entered, "lieutenant what can I do for you?"

B'Elanna stared at her old friend, "I delivered that dilithium to the Doctor." 

Then he remembered, "did you - ?"

She nodded, "yes, the tests were clear. I can't understand how she got poisoned and I didn't." He sighed, he was thankful his friend wasn't sick like Kathryn, but it still didn't help her situation. "The dilithium was recrystalized to use right away, but we've already detected other possibilities that may help. We'll be working for an answer as soon as we can."

"That's good," he said.

She studied him and walked over closer leaning against his desk, "how's she doing?" 

Chakotay looked at her. He shrugged, "the tumor's larger -”

"What?"

He nodded, "she detected it this morning."

"She must have been devastated," B'Elanna said shaking her head.

"She didn't take it too well," he said softly. He sighed, "the Doctor is now giving her high doses of hyronoline to help counteract the growth because it's spread."

"And she's on the bridge?" she asked in disbelief.

"You can't stop her from her work," he said, "because at this moment, it's what she's using to stay preoccupied and the only thing she can control." 

"We'll find a cure Chakotay," she said. "There has to be."

"I'm not disputing you," he said glancing down.

=/\=

While Chakotay was in his office, Kathryn sat on the bridge tending to reports as the departments reported in. She was about ready to work in the ready room when she felt a sour taste in her mouth. She swallowed shaking it off, but it didn't go away, it got stronger.

She sighed forgetting the report and sank back against her chair as she started to feel nauseous. "Captain, are you alright?" Tuvok asked.

"I'm - " she started to say and suddenly felt the bile start up her throat. She put her hand to her mouth and stood up running down into her ready room. She ran through the next door and into the tiny bathroom located there and sank to her knees in front of the commode beginning to retch. "Oh god!" she knew it was the hyronoline treatment. She felt it starting again.

Out on the bridge, Tom turned gazing over at Harry and then at Tuvok. All were confused at her sudden departure. Tuvok's sensitive hearing picked up faint sounds of her on the other side. He stepped down from his station to check on her,“Mr. Paris, you have the bridge. I'll be checking on the Captain," he stepped down into the ready room. She wasn't there, but heard her in the private bathroom. He walked into the corridor that led to the next deck and saw her bathroom door open, recognizing the noise of someone being violently ill. He quietly stepped up to the doorway finding his friend and Captain kneeling over the commode bracing it with her hands. "Captain?"

Kathryn gasped closing her eyes. Her body was changing from hot to cold as sweat covered her entire body. She was grateful Tuvok was so discreet in his approach. Her throat tightened with tears as a sob escaped her, no matter how hard she tried to conceal it. She attempted to calm, "please - don't - " she whispered.

"Shall I call the Doctor?"

She shook her head, the retching wasn't over, she could tell, but for the moment it wasn't happening. "No," she croaked, she swallowed, "on my desk Tuvok, a hypo. Please…get it," he nodded and left returning a moment later with it. "Improvaline," she said, he knelt beside her and injected it. She sighed and heard her faucet start. A moment later felt a cold, damp cloth on her forehead. She pushed her now damp hair out of her face glancing at him, "thank you."

Tuvok studied her, "Captain your ill -”

She shook her head, "no, it's a side effect of the Doctor's new treatment. He started me on it this morning." She felt the sour taste starting again. She swallowed to force it back.

"You should take a few days off," he suggested.

"No," she said firmly, "I need to - work," she put her hand to her mouth. It was starting again, she gritted her teeth. She whimpered, "call the Commander - please - now -”

Tuvok nodded and tapped his commbadge, "Tuvok to Chakotay."

=/\= 

"There's been a high percentage," he told B'Elanna as they stood with a coffee each. "Of breast cancer survivors in the past - " 

" - If it’s caught in time," she finished for him. He glanced at her, she shrugged, "I read up on it too. But it’s the 24th century Chakotay, not the 20th or even the 21st. Medical advances in this treatment are miles ahead now. But what happens? She gets the Delta Quadrant version of this cancer." She glanced at him, "this must be very difficult for you."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

She frowned, "come on Chakotay, your closer to her than anybody on this crew after Tuvok. It's apparent how you've felt about her for years."

"Am I that transparent?"

She smiled, "no, not really, but I know you -”

"Tuvok to Chakotay," said Tuvok's voice over the comm.

"Go ahead," he said.

"The Captain is requesting you," he replied. "She's become quite ill-”

Chakotay and B'Elanna stared at each other, "on my way. Where is she?"

"Her private bathroom," he replied.

"Coming," he said, Kathryn needed him. "B'Elanna -”

"Go," she said, "I have to go back to engineering," and he ran out.

=/\= 

It was the longest trip it seemed to take to the bridge as his heart pounded. He took the lift to deck two and ran down the corridor and input his access code to her private entrance of the ready room. The doors slid open, he ran up the steps and down the corridor, he could hear her retching. Tuvok stepped out from the bathroom, “the improvaline -?” 

" - No effect," Tuvok replied.

Chakotay entered the bathroom finding her over the commode retching. "Kathryn," he said gently and knelt beside her.

"Oh god!" she whimpered. "Chakotay -"

"It's okay," he soothed and pulled her hair out of her face. The retching was stopping, he looked at Tuvok, "Tuvok a cold cloth please?" Tuvok handed him another, he took it placing it against her fevered face. She leaned back against him as he started to tenderly wash her face. "Kathryn, I think it's time you take the day off-"

She shook her head, "no, I'll be okay - "

"Captain," Tuvok said simply, "it is obvious your medical condition has taken over your ability to command. Starfleet General Order 104 takes precedence. Commander Chakotay must assume command until you are well."

Kathryn felt her eyes burn with oncoming tears knowing he was right. She was no use to the ship and crew this way. She turned into Chakotay's arm. He stroked her neck gently. "I think its best Kathryn," he said gently. "I'll have Ensign Wildman stay with you until I get off-duty."

She gripped his lower arm, the nausea was passing, but she still felt horrible and so tired. "I know the regulation," she said as firmly as possible. She trembled biting her lip, hating what she was doing, "alright," she said weakly, "for the time being." Now felt ready to burst into tears, but she had no choice.

"I'll make the announcement - " Tuvok suggested, knowing the captain needed the commander now.

He shook his head, "no, I've got to do it." She was quiet now, but he could tell upset over resigning her command to him. "Kathryn, Tuvok will stay with you. I'll be right back."

She nodded, "okay," and let him stand. She leaned against the opposite wall pulling her legs up to her chest wrapping her arms around them. Tuvok stood close by in case she had another episode and she heard:

"Attention all hands," Chakotay said over the comm. "Due to the worsened condition of Captain Janeway, it is Starfleet General Order 104 that I assume command of Voyager. Temporary command." She knew he added that for her sake. The tears began to slide down her face, "Ensign Wildman please report to the Captain's quarters in 10 minutes. Chakotay out," and the comm was quiet.

Kathryn was crying softly when he returned to her. He knelt next her taking her in his arms crooning to her softly. "Everything will be okay," she wrapped her arms around him clinging, "Tuvok - "

"I'll return to the bridge," he said and left them.

Chakotay held her gently. He kissed her flush neck, "come on Kathryn," and slid an arm beneath her knees cradling her as he would a child. He tapped his commbadge, "computer, site to site transport of the Captain and myself to her bedroom," and felt the beam grab them.

=/\= 

The transporter deposited them in her bedroom doorway, "computer, lights," he ordered and they rose with her in his arms. She was quieting. He lowered her to the unmade bed. He stroked her hair and knelt in front of her as she sat wiping her face. "Come on love, Sam will be here shortly. I think you should change." 

"I know," she whispered softly and let him remove her boots. She reached up to her remove her uniform jacket. He helped her and stood up hanging it in her closet. He then took out a fresh nightgown from the closet. He turned, she hadn't moved except to take off her turtleneck. He stepped back over to her, "stand up love, I'll help you -"

She held up her hand shaking her head, "no, please I can do it."

"Okay," he replied, "I'll wait outside for Sam," she nodded and he left her to change. He hoped some tea would settle her stomach and walked over to the replicator. "Tea, chamomile, hot with some honey," and a cup appeared on the base. He heard the doorchime, "come in." The doors opened, Samantha Wildman entered. "Thanks for coming, ensign."

"Anything for the Captain, sir," she said softly. "How is she?"

"Quiet," he replied, "for the moment." He stepped over near her, "this morning the Doctor started a new treatment. She's receiving high doses of hyronoline for the cancer. Because of this, she's experiencing extreme nausea -"

"Dear god," Samantha whispered.

"I don't know how often," he continued with a nod, "and I also don't know what other side effects will result. I'd like you to stay with her during your shift until I can leave the bridge. She's not eating much, but if you can manage to have her eat some soup, crackers and drink some tea, it might help."

"Yes, sir," she said. "What else can I do?"

"Just stay close," he replied, "I have some tea for her now. She's changing into her nightgown. She knows your going to be with her. Let me go check on her to see if she's ready."

"Yes, sir," she said.

Chakotay entered the bedroom, "Kathryn?" she wasn't there. He saw the light on in the bathroom. He walked over and stepped in, "Kathryn, are you okay?"

"In here," she replied and he found her tying her hair back by the sink. She was in her nightgown and robe, the color had returned to her face a little.

"How are you feeling?"

"A little better," she sighed turning to him, "but," she felt more tears fill her eyes. "I gave up my command today."

"Kathryn," he said gently as his heart went out to her, he walked over to her taking her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around him burying her face against his shoulder. "You know it was for the best," he whispered in her ear as she cried softly. "Until a cure is found for you."

"I know," she whispered and reached up drying her face. "I just never thought it'd come to this." She sighed gazing up at him, "but at least I know my ship is in good hands," he smiled gently at her. "I'll be back Chakotay - "

"I know you will," he said stroking a stray tear from her face. He kissed her gently and then pulled away, "Sam is here. And I've got some tea in case you can stomach it."

"I'm tired," she whispered, "I might just rest."

"Whatever you wish," he said, he took her hand. "Come on. Sam's waiting and I want to be sure your comfortable." He led her out to the bedroom, she then slid into bed and he pulled the bedcovers over her. She settled back against her pillows, "can I get you anything?"

She sighed softly, "just come off Alpha shift quickly."

"I'll be sure I do," he said, "and Sam will be right outside, call her if you need her." She nodded, he kissed her gently again. She responded and he pulled away, her eyes were already closed. He took one last glance at her and lowered the lights to dim, turned and walked back out to Samantha. "She's resting right now, stay close. I'll be on the bridge in case you need me."

"Yes, sir," she said, he smiled at her and left.

=/\= 

Several hours later Chakotay was meeting with the rest of the senior staff in the briefing room. Although he was acting-Captain for the moment, he wanted everyone to know what was going on with Kathryn. 

"She's on heavy doses of hyronoline," the Doctor informed them. "At the moment it seems to be working. However, due to the side effects, they have incapacitated her."

"How's it coming with a cure?" Chakotay asked B'Elanna.

"Well," she sighed, "by working with the Doctor here, we're starting to narrow down to what's causing the cancer."

"Good," he said, "how long?"

"Not sure, but we're working around the clock," B'Elanna said.

"Since its spread to her secondary lymph nodes," the Doctor said. "It's just a matter of time before it metastasizes to her chest."

"Excuse me," Harry said, worry evident in his tone. "But will the Captain survive this?" 

"All hope is not lost," the Doctor told him. "We're doing all we can, but this cancer is progressive. We're running on limited time."

Chakotay sat listening to his friends and staff. He sighed, "B'Elanna recruit all the help you need. And Seven, if you can work with the Doctor and B'Elanna -"

"I will assist in whatever way I can," Seven replied.

He glanced at all of them, "very well, I think that's it. Dismissed," they all began to stand. "Doctor?" he stopped, "a moment," and the Doctor remained, but Tom did as well. "Yes, ensign?"

"I just wanted to say," he said, "that the Captain will be okay."

"I know," Chakotay said.

"She's a fighter Chakotay," he said. "She'll make it through."

He smiled softly at his conn officer, "thanks Tom and she's an incredible fighter." Tom nodded, then turned and left. He glanced at the Doctor, "have you seen her?"

He nodded, "yes, shortly after you made your announcement I felt it necessary." Chakotay nodded, "she had an episode while there. I tried increasing the improvaline, but it seems to have no effect. She's going to have to ride each out."

"How often will you be giving her these injections?"

"Looks like every other day," he said, "since it appears to be helping for the moment."

"Okay," he said, "well, I'd better not keep you. You have plenty of work to do."

"Yes, sir," the Doctor said and left. Chakotay stood for a moment in thought. He realized just as Kathryn finished her first treatment and would feel like normal, it'd start all over again. He sighed hoping B'Elanna was onto something. A moment later he headed back to the bridge.

=/\= 

Before Chakotay returned to Kathryn's quarters, he stopped in his own to change and gather a change of clothes and fresh uniform. Once showered and changed, he took his overnight bag and headed down the corridor to her door. He pressed her call button and the doors slid open, he entered finding Samantha standing up from the sofa. It was quiet, Kathryn wasn't around. 

"Commander," Samantha said softly.

He put his bag down, "ensign, how's the Captain?"

"Sleeping," she replied, "she had another episode about two hours ago. The Doctor was here an hour ago and sedated her."

"Has she eaten?"

Samantha shrugged, "she attempted at some tea and crackers. It held until the next episode."

Chakotay sighed, "okay. Thanks Sam, you can go. Be back here by 0700 tomorrow." 

"Yes, sir," she nodded and left.

Once Samantha was gone he decided to check in on Kathryn and walked into the bedroom. The lights were dim, but he could see her sleeping soundly on her side, her hair surrounding her and looking peaceful. He smiled and stepped over sitting beside her, he tenderly stroked the side of her face. She moaned softly but didn't wake. He leaned over kissing her forehead gently and then stood up walking out to make some dinner.

A few hours later he was sitting in the armchair reading a report and drinking some coffee when he heard, "Chakotay? Samantha?"

Chakotay put his coffee down, padd and stood up. He headed into her room. She was sitting up. "Hello there, sleep well?"

Kathryn sighed rubbing her face, "I guess," she then peered over at him. He wasn't in uniform, but his cream colored shirt and tan trousers. "What time is it?"

"After 1900 hours," he replied and walked over sitting down beside her. He left the lights low, "hungry?"

"I can't hold anything down," she replied. "I've tried."

"Maybe tomorrow," he suggested and reached out stroking her face. She leaned into his hand, "how do you feel?"

"Better," she replied. "How'd it go today?"

"Quiet," he said, "the crew is worried about you."

"I'm worried about me," she said flatly, he smiled at her.“Thanks for making me see what I had to do. As difficult as it was - will be."

"They've got an idea what's caused it," he told her. 

"B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked curious, he nodded. "What is it?" 

"Their not saying yet," he replied, "but when they know for sure, they will. Just don't give up."

"I won't," she said, then sighed, "now I'd like to go freshen up. Would you like some company?"

"If you’re willing to give it," he said.

"Give me a few minutes," she said, he kissed her gently. She responded and then he pulled away as she kicked off the bedcovers. He pulled her to her feet. She stared up at him, "I love you."

"I love you, too," he said. "I'll get you some tea," and watched her walk into the bathroom. He turned and headed back into the living area. He was at the replicator when heard her cry out to him. "Kathryn?" She was calling him again. He turned and ran back into the bathroom and stopped just inside finding her standing with her brush in one hand and a clump of her auburn hair in the other. "Kathryn - "

" - My hair," she said whimpering. "Oh god, Chakotay, I'm losing my hair!" She began to cry. He went over to her pulling her into his arms.

"It's a side effect Kathryn," he said tenderly, his heart went out to her. She dropped her brush and wrapped her arms around him sobbing. "It's okay, my love, your hair will grow back," and she clung to him. As she did, he noticed a few more locks had fallen onto his arm and to the floor leaving bare patches on her head. He reached up to stroke her head, but decided against it, afraid just by touching her hair it'd fall out. "Come on -" he lifted her into his arms carrying her into her bedroom. He sat down on the edge still holding her as she calmed. He rocked her gently. "I love you - " 

"I love you," she said tearfully, she gazed at him as he wiped her face.“Will you still love me with no hair?"

He smiled tenderly at her, "I'll love you no matter what," she smiled softly. "Now ignore your hair and let me get you some tea, okay?"

"Okay," she said and kissed him gently, he responded holding her against him. 

"Kathryn," he whispered kissing her face and throat gently. "You're so beautiful -" 

"Chakotay," she said, "that means so much to hear you say that."

He gazed at her, "but I think you've been through too much today to make love Kathryn," her face fell. "Oh love, I'd love to make love to you, but not when you're going through this treatment." A tear slid down her face, he gently stroked it away, "I promise when you're stronger - "

She reached out putting a finger to his mouth, "Chakotay, I'll let you know." He nodded, "now how about that tea?"

"I'll get it for you," he said. She slid off him, he stood up and left the room. He returned to find her sitting up in bed propped against her pillows.“Here you go," he handed her a cup, she took it and he sat beside her.

Kathryn let the steam from the tea, it was chamomile, fill her senses. She then sipped it carefully, hoping she wouldn't have a reaction to it. It went down slowly, she sighed, "I'm scared Chakotay." He stared at her, "that incident in my ready room made me realize how out of control my life has become and that I can't control what's happening. And ... I lost command of my ship today."

Chakotay then reached out taking her hand, "oh Kathryn, it'll be only until your well. I'm as scared as you are. We've been together for only a few months I've been so happy. I want a future with you." 

She grasped his hand, "oh - Chakotay, I've never been happier. I'd like a future as well," she put the tea aside, having drank half of it. "You look tired. Are you spending the night?"

"If you'd like me to," he replied.

"I think I would," she said.

He nodded, "let me go change," and stood up. He took his pajama bottoms from the closet and went into the bathroom. After changing, he joined her moments later in bed. They lay down and she curled beside him, he wrapped his arms around her and held her as they fell asleep.

From the next morning on, Kathryn's hair fell steadily out. She tried not to get upset over it. Samantha showed up for duty two days later carrying a small, thin square box. She sat beside Kathryn as she presented it to her.

"What is it?" Kathryn asked, curious but touched.

"Open it, ma'am," Samantha replied.

Kathryn lifted the cover and saw a silk red, green and yellow scarf folded neatly inside. "Samantha it's beautiful," she said pulling out the long piece of fabric. It had a pattern throughout and she looked closer. There were tiny line drawings of Voyager on it and four single black dots intermittently between each for her rank. "I don't know what -"

"It's for your head," Samantha told her. "You can use it as a day turban."

"A wonderful idea," Kathryn said, "but - "

"Let me," Samantha told her taking it from her. "Sit forward Captain - "

"Please call me Kathryn," she said, "I'm not really the captain anymore."

"You'll always be captain," Samantha said, Kathryn glanced at her. "To myself and the whole crew."

"Thank you," she whispered and mustered herself to sit on the edge of the sofa. Samantha began to wrap the scarf around her head, while tucking in the remaining strands of hair at the same time. Once done, she reached up to feel the scarf wound around her head and with a nice knot. "A mirror?"

"Here," Samantha said holding out a small hand held she brought with her. Kathryn stared at herself, "oh Samantha it's wonderful, thank you."

"Your welcome," she said, then put the mirror and box on the coffee table. "Are you hungry?"

"I managed some tea and dry toast this morning," Kathryn replied with a shrug. "I don't have a hyronoline treatment again until tomorrow."

"So you can eat?"

"Not much," she replied, "I still have to be careful."

"How about some tea?"

Kathryn smiled softly at her, "that would be fine, thank you.”Samantha nodded standing, and walked over to the replicator. That day without treatment, Kathryn felt better and with the scarf covering her head improved her emotional and physical attitude.

=/\=

When Chakotay returned from duty that night, he saw her improved mood and loved the scarf. After Samantha left, Kathryn embraced him as he held her telling her the Doctor and B'Elanna were closer to a cure.

After her attempt at more tea and some crackers, they retired for the night. The next morning the Doctor was due to stop by with her next treatment and she wanted to be well rested.

Chakotay held her stroking her back as she rested against him the lights were off and she was relaxed. She moaned softly tilting her head up gazing at him. He tenderly touched her face, tracing her facial bones which were a little more pronounced because of the weight loss.

He smiled at her tenderly, "I love you Kathryn," he whispered.

She reached up cupping the side of his face, "I love you," and he kissed her forehead. She sighed letting him kiss her face and then her throat as she tilted back her head. "Chakotay," she breathed and he kissed her gently and deeply. She responded wrapping her arms around him. He pressed his body against hers as he lay against her, his tongue swept into her mouth as hers meshed with his. He slid a hand up her side and caressed the outside of her right breast, she gasped clinging to him.

"It's okay," he said tenderly gazing at her, "only if you want to Kathryn."

She stared up at him, his thumb was still caressing her risen bud. Her body shivered against his hand as he waited for her answer. "I want to try, but," she whispered, "I - "

"Your scarf looks beautiful," he said, "and you're beautiful with it."

She smiled, her eyes filling with tears, "why do you always say the right things?" 

"Because I love you," he replied.

"Oh Chakotay - " she said tearfully. "What'd I do to deserve you?"

"Just by being you," he replied lovingly stroking her face and kissed her gently. She responded pulling him against her with a soft moan. He took that as a sign that she wanted more, he began to stroke her over the gown gently. She shivered against him. He kissed her face and worked his way down to her throat, trailing kisses along her collarbone to the tips of her shoulders. His hands slid down to her hips, as he continued to stoke each part of her gently and he began to pull the gown over her hips.

He tried being slow with her knowing she needed time to ready. He began to stroke her gently over her panties, she gasped clinging to him. He slid his hand beneath beginning to caress her soft curls and gently began to stroke her bud.

"Chakotay," she whimpered feeling her body shiver against his hand. She wanted him to continue, but wasn't sure of going all the way this time. "Oh - my," he continued to caress her soft recess, her legs parted more allowing him better access.

"Kathryn," he said lovingly and pulled his hand away gazing at her. "Is that all you want?"

"Yes," she replied softly, "if you don't mind -”

He smiled lovingly at her, "no, I don't." He knelt beside her and reached down pulling her panties off. "Whatever pleases you -”

"What about you?"

"This works for me," he told her and leaned over kissing her tenderly. She responded and groaned when she felt him begin to stroke her again. He did want more, but he wasn't going to force her. She clung to him as they still kissed and he felt her warm some more.

Kathryn moved her hips to his hand and groaned when her body shuddered against his hand. Her body grew warmer and he kissed her face and throat, she held him running her hands down his back and into his pajama bottoms stroking gently.

Chakotay felt her. He was getting more aroused and since she didn't want to go all the way, it wasn't what he was looking for. "Kathryn, let me love," he whispered, "don't distract me please."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "Chakotay - " he kissed her again, she responded.

"This is for you Kathryn," he said gently, "not me." She shuddered against his hand again as he continued to stroke her bud gently. She was ready for a little more, he gently slid a finger inside her, she cried out softly, "relax love," she slowly did. He began to move his hand slowly, her muscles began to clench around his hand. 

"I love you," she whispered and he kissed her again. The ache was beginning to build as he just used his hand to bring her to release this time. He began to move faster and she cried out his name clinging to him. She arched her hips to his hand and pressing him deeper and felt the ache grow tighter and sweeter. Her body shuddered again deeply and she moaned, "harder - "

His own breath was short as he controlled his own desire. He released what he wanted through his hand. He imagined himself within her instead, "you sure?"

"Yes!" she cried out and he did just a little harder and faster. Suddenly she felt the ache burst and she screamed his name clutching him tightly. Her body quaked from the intense orgasm he gave her. She began to relax as he pulled his hand away kissing her gently. She took his face in her hands responding, and.then they held each other tightly. He rolled next to her taking her with him.

She kissed his face gently, placing soft kisses on his tattoo and eyes as he held her and they gazed at each other. "You're so beautiful," he said stroking her face. 

"I feel it," she whispered, "thanks to you. I promise to make to up to you -”

"- Kathryn -”

She shook her head, "no, I promise when I'm better. I want to Chakotay."

"If you'd like," he said gently and she embraced him. He held her gently, "now I think you should rest. The Doctor will be here by 0730 for your treatment."

"Don't remind me," she said against him. After a moment she pulled away sitting up reaching for her panties and slipped them back on, then pulled the gown back down. He readjusted the bedcovers as she lay beside him, curling against him. “Goodnight Chakotay."

"Goodnight Kathryn," he said as they both drifted off to sleep.

The next morning the Doctor showed up to give her next treatment. Chakotay held off going to the bridge until he was sure she was okay. Samantha had arrived just as the Doctor left. She left Kathryn and Chakotay alone in her bedroom.

She sat up in bed, "go to duty Chakotay. Samantha's here when I'll need her."

"I know," he said reaching out stroking her face. "I just wish I could stay with you."

She smiled softly reaching up touching his hand, "so do I. But I need you to run my ship. Make sure she doesn't miss me too much," she added, her voice husky with emotion.

Chakotay smiled at her, "she hasn't forgotten you Kathryn. Call if you need me," she nodded. He kissed her tenderly and pulled away. "I'll stop by sometime this afternoon." 

"I look forward to it," she said softly.

He stood up, "shall I send Sam in?"

Kathryn nodded, "please."

"Okay," he said and walked out finding Samantha holding a padd and white piece of paper. "You can go in Sam, she's resting. I don't know when her first episode will arrive -"

"Understood, sir," she said.

"I'll be on the bridge," he told her and left.

Samantha turned and walked to the doorway of Kathryn's bedroom, “good morning, Captain."

Kathryn glanced at Samantha, "good morning Samantha. Please, come in,” she entered, "how's Naomi?"

"Just fine," she replied and sat in a chair placed beside the bed.“She’s worried about you and has made a card for you."

"Oh, I've heard of her artwork," Kathryn said touched. Samantha handed her the white paper, which was folded in half. Kathryn smiled softly reading the young girl's steady hand. "She drew me with a scarf - " her voice caught. She opened it reading aloud, "'You Are The Best Captain- Get Well Soon. Love, Naomi."' Kathryn stopped feeling tears. She wiped her eyes glancing at Samantha, "tell her thank you Samantha."

"I will," Samantha replied. She sighed, "she'd like to visit you -"

Kathryn shook her head, "not like this Samantha - "

"On the days without treatment," Samantha suggested. "If your feeling up to it. For a few minutes perhaps?"

Kathryn stared at her, "I'll think about it."

An hour later, Kathryn began vomiting and Samantha was there to provide comfort and a cool cloth afterwards. She helped Kathryn back to bed, who fell asleep almost immediately after, exhausted from it.

The next good day arrived two days later for Kathryn and she allowed Neelix to visit. She had also replicated up different scarf's to wrap around her new baldhead. In fact she was feeling so good she sat at her dining table playing Katascot with Naomi and Neelix. Something she had been unable to do in the past.

To make the game fair, Neelix and Kathryn teamed up with Naomi and Samantha. Kathryn sipped tea and nibbled on crackers, since that's all she could stomach. Chakotay made it his purpose to stop by for lunch, even if she was unable to eat. 

The past few days she had dropped more weight and was thinner. She wore comfortable loose trousers and pullover top when Neelix and Naomi visited.

Two nights later, while Kathryn slept in Chakotay's arms after a day of treatment. B'Elanna worked with Harry down in engineering as they compared tests done on the dilithium and Kathryn's recent blood tests to compare theta radiation signatures. It was late, well after 0200 when Harry groaned rubbing his face tiredly. He had done his regular shift on the bridge and it was now his turn to help B'Elanna and the Doctor find a cure for the Captain. He was tired, but he wasn't giving up until one was found.

"This one's a bust too," he claimed.

B'Elanna glanced over at him, she was just as tired. "Look at the next one - "

"I know," he said with a sigh. "How long have we been at this?"

"Since today or when we officially started?"

"When the Captain made her announcement," he replied.

"Three weeks tomorrow," she said.

"And we're how much closer?" he asked, he sank down in a nearby chair. "Do you think well find a cure B'El?"

"Yes," she said. Putting a new test up, she peered at it. "We have to Harry, for the ship and crew."

"I know that," he said gazing over at her. She didn't respond, she was checking something. "B'Elanna - ?"

"Harry, come here," she ordered, he stood up walking over to the console. On it was the split screen view of the current theta test and Kathryn's DNA sequence. "Take a look, tell me what you see."

Harry peered at both screens. He saw it after a moment, "did we find it?" 

"I hope so," she said, "because I'm really tired."

"Well, look," he replied pointing at two matching signatures. "There and there, they match. That's gotta be it - " 

"That's not alot of exposure," B'Elanna said. "I still can't understand it. That protective clothing we were wearing would have protected us from that."

"Was there a time you weren't wearing them?"

B'Elanna thought back, "well, before we suited up and then in the chambers after. We toured their labs - ” and stopped. “We walked through what we thought was a harmless lab. Everything was contained, but the Captain went ahead of me. Perhaps she was exposed then?"

"That sounds like a possibility," he said. "We'd better get this up to the Doc -"

"I'll take it," she said and downloaded the information on a padd. She glanced at him,“go to bed Harry, now that we found what poisoned her. Chakotay will give his thanks later."  
Harry nodded, "okay," they stared at each other. "We did it -"

"Yes, we did," she said patting his arm, "come on." They headed out to the lift that would take them to their appropriate decks.

=/\= 

"Doctor!" B'Elanna said entering sickbay.

"In here, lieutenant," he said from the lab.

B'Elanna crossed through his office to the lab, "we found it."

"What? You did?" he asked shocked.

She nodded, handing him the padd, "it's all there. Hopefully you can find a cure for it."

He took it reading, he nodded with a smile, "yes, this is a start! Good work lieutenant."

"Three long weeks," she said with a nod. "How's the Captain doing? Has it gotten worse?"

"The hyronoline dose I'm giving her," he replied, "seems to be working. But," he sighed, "I'm not sure how much longer. She's lost so much weight, you might have found this just in time."

"I hope so," she said.

The Next Morning

"Sickbay to the bridge," said the Doctor.

Chakotay was reading a report, "go ahead Doctor."

"Can yon come to sickbay?" he asked.“I have something to show you.”

"On my way," Chakotay said. He stood up. Maybe he found something for Kathryn's cure. "Tuvok you have the bridge," he headed for the lift.

"Yes, sir," he said.

=/\= 

"Commander," the Doctor said as Chakotay entered the lab. “Good news, I might have found a therapy for the Captain's cancer."

Chakotay blinked at him, "what? When?"

"Last night," he replied, "or actually early this morning. B'Elanna and Harry found the sequence that matched the Captain's recent DNA."

"Oh thank god," Chakotay said with a sigh. "How soon until you administer the therapy?"

"At least another 48 to 72 hours," he replied. "I have to synthesize it down to the exact compound needed to counteract it."

"Does she have that long?" he asked.

"I'm hoping so," the Doctor said.

"Let me tell her you found it," he said, "that'll give her something to look forward to."

Kathryn was tired and resting still from the treatment from the day before. She felt herself getting weaker, she had lost so much weight her face was haggard and pale. She wanted the treatments to end. She didn't care how anymore. She was tired of vomiting practically every other hour for close to eight hours, every other day. She didn't tell Chakotay this, but she feared all hope was lost and she wouldn't see home again.

She lay curled beneath her blanket on the sofa drifting in and out of sleep. Samantha sat in the armchair reading a padd novel. Kathryn didn't care. She had her music on and listened to her jazz selection, which was lulling her to sleep. She didn't hear her doors slide open and close.

Chakotay saw her. His beautiful Captain and lover was wilting away now in front of him, they were almost out of time. He hoped the Doctor was right on this therapy. He smiled at Samantha, "how is she?"

"Very tired," she replied softly.

He nodded, "well, the Doctor might have found a cure -"

"That's wonderful, sir," she said relieved.

"Yes, it is," he said and stepped over to Kathryn's still form. He sat beside her and gently touched her shoulder. "Kathryn wake up - "

Kathryn heard Chakotay talking to her through her fogged state. She moaned softly as he caressed her shoulder over her nightgown. "Chak-o-tay - " she whispered. "What - ?" 

"Wake up," he said gently, "I have something to tell you."

She opened her eyes slowly. Her gaze caught his handsome face as her vision cleared. He was smiling at her, "you look happy," she said, her voice deep with sleep.

Chakotay reached out stroking her face, "the Doctor might have a cure." 

Kathryn blinked, she stared at him, "what did you say?"

"He might have found a cure," he repeated smiling.

Tears sprang to her eyes. She had given up on hearing this news. "Oh Chakotay how soon?"

"He thinks a little over 48 hours," he replied and she began to cry. He reached down wrapping his arms gently around her, her thin arms slid around his back as he lifted her off the sofa.

Samantha watched them with a soft smile, knowing they were keeping their affair discreet as possible. She could see the deep love between them. The commander's love for the Captain was evident and she was happy for them. She didn't plan on letting them know she could see it. They deserved this privacy.

"Just hang in a little longer," he whispered gently into her ear.

She nodded, "I will, I will," he looked at her smiling. She smiled softly, he stroked her tears away. "Thanks for telling me," she added.

"I had to," he said and forced himself to let her go. She lowered herself back down to the sofa. "I'm planning on staying part of Alpha shift with you tomorrow -"

"Oh Chakotay, you can't - " she said, he put his hand to her truth and she quieted. "I'm working most of Beta shift," he replied. "So no arguing Kathryn."

She smiled, her lopsided grin forming, "fine, you can skip part of Alpha shift. It'll be my last treatment tomorrow if the Doctor makes good on his word."

"He will," he said. "And I want to be here with you."

"I'd like that," she told him. They stared at each other wanting to kiss to seal the deal, but Samantha was in the room. "Better go back to the bridge, commander."

He smiled with a nod, "yes, ma'am," and stood up. "I'll see you in a few hours," and left them.

=/\=

When he returned that night, he found Kathryn awake. After Samantha left, he held her in his arms as she sat on his legs, resting her head on his shoulder. He had her blanket covering her since she was cold, although he had the temperature raised.

"Are you hungry?" he asked softly.

She moaned softly, "not much - "

"How about some tea and toast?" he asked her. "You should attempt to."

Kathryn raised her head gazing at him, "I know," she reached up touching his tattoo. "How I love you - "

"I love you," he said and she embraced him. He held her gently and kissed her neck. After some tea and toast he assisted her back to bed and joined her as they held each other falling asleep.

When the Doctor showed up early the next morning, he did a routine check on her tumor growth, blood count and any other tests he needed. She was still foggy from sleep and leaned against Chakotay, who was partially dressed for duty, when the Doctor prepared for the next treatment.

Kathryn's eyes fluttered open, she saw the hypo in his hand and groaned, "no - no more - "

Chakotay glanced down at her, "Kathryn -"

She shook her head firmly, "no more - I'm sick of these treatments!"

"Captain you have to have them," the Doctor said.

"No more!" she said firmly. Chakotay held her tighter, "please, I'm so tired - "

"I know, I know," Chakotay said to her gently. "But you need this -"

"So tired," she whimpered, "so sick of throwing up - "

"Just one more day," Chakotay told her gently, "please Kathryn." She was quiet and buried her face against his arm. "It's okay, I'm here," he was concerned she had let her resolve down regarding the treatments, just as they were so close to a cure.

Kathryn gripped his arm, she knew they were right and she relented, "okay."

Chakotay glanced at the Doctor and nodded. He held her tighter as the Doctor knelt beside her and put the hypo to her exposed neck. The moment he injected the hyronoline, she began to cry softly. He stood up, compassion written on his face as he sympathized with his Captain, who was on the verge of giving up.

"I wish there was more I could do," he said softly, "to prevent that nausea." 

"I know Doctor," Chakotay said, Kathryn was quieting. "Thank you."

"I'll be in sickbay working on that compound," he said quietly and left.

Chakotay held her still, "I'm sorry love. There's no choice."

"I know," she said tearfully, "I just am so sick of being this way. I miss my crew and being on the bridge - "

"You'll be back soon," he said gently.

"I'm so happy your here Chakotay," she whispered wrapping her arms around him. 

"Same here Kathryn," he replied softly and held her for several more minutes. "Come on, let me get you some tea - "

"What I wouldn't do for a coffee," she groaned, he chuckled She laughed softly, then sighed, "I can't, not today. Water works best Chakotay - "

"Then water it is," he said, she pulled away from him. He took her face in his hands stroking her tears away. "I love you and I'm here for you."

"I'm so happy," she said with a soft smile, "you are." He leaned over kissing her gently. She responded and then embraced him.

He kissed the top of her head gently over the scarf, and then sighed, "come on, let me get you some water. Where do you want to rest?"

"Here," she replied, "I'm still tired," he nodded. She pulled herself back onto her bed. He pulled the bedcovers over her as she settled down on her side and closed her eyes.  
While she rested, he took the time to have a quick breakfast - her replicator rations were still stocked since becoming sick - and he knew she wouldn't mind him borrowing a few.  
Less than an hour later he was with her in the bathroom as the treatment took effect. When she was through, he had a cold cloth waiting as he washed her-face gently and lifted her into his arms carrying her back to bed as she clung tiredly to him. She was asleep almost immediately when he lay her down.

Samantha showed up around 0900 hours, after working briefly on the bridge covering the science station. Chakotay let her know Kathryn was sleeping and that he'd be on the bridge. Before leaving, he kissed Kathryn's forehead and left.

=/\=

When he returned after 1900 hours, he found her reading a padd novel that Samantha had brought her while sitting curled beneath her blanket of the sofa. Her nausea episodes ended a little over two hours before and she had just woken up shortly before.

After Samantha left, he gave her a detailed ship's report of what was completed, being worked on and what was coming up. She happily accepted the padd from him, thanking him. He knew she needed contact with what was going on and it would help. While he ate, she talked to him about various incidents and work detail.

She was tired again, but wanted to finish the report. He told her it'd be there when she woke up in the morning. She relented and discovered she was alittle weaker that evening. He gently picked her up carrying her back to bed.

They lay in each other's arms a little later as she fought sleep to talk to him. She sighed staring up at his silhouette. "Chakotay?"

"Yes, Kathryn?"

"Do you think the Doctor," she asked, "will be successful in finding a cure?"

"Yes - "

"How come?"

He then propped himself up on an elbow staring down at her, “Kathryn why are you asking?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, it's been so tiring and -”

Chakotay reached down stroking her face, it worried him because he could feel her facial bones beneath the skin. She was so thin and frail, even thinner than when they met six-year's before. "Kathryn don't think that way, it's just a matter of time."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "it just seems so hopeless - " and quieted feeling him wrap his arms tighter around her pulling her against him. She held him tightly pressing her thin frail body against his hard and warm healthy one.

He kissed her neck gently, "don't even say that Kathryn. Losing you isn't an option."

"Oh Chakotay," she whispered, "I don't want to lose you either.”

"Just hang on," he told her, "Kathryn, just hang on." She buried her face in his neck closing her eyes falling asleep that way.

Chakotay left for duty while Kathryn still slept. Each treatment was exhausting her more as she slept later each morning, other than for the Doctor's visits. He kissed her goodbye when Samantha arrived.

Kathryn sighed rolling onto her back finding the other space cold and empty. Her eyes fluttered open, she sighed, "Chakotay?" He didn't answer. She groaned and called, "Samantha?"

A moment later she appeared in the doorway, "yes, Captain?”

"What time is it?"

"After 01100 hours," Samantha replied gently, "how do you feel?"

Kathryn thought for a moment, "actually pretty good." She began to sit up and a wave of disorientation struck her briefly. She moaned putting her hand to her face.

"Captain?" Samantha said concerned. "You okay?"

Kathryn sighed trying to breathe. She felt the bed settle, she nodded, "yes, I'm fine," and pushed the bedcovers off her. She slid to the edge of the bed and stood up, "I'll be in the bathroom," Samantha nodded watching her walk inside.

By early afternoon, Kathryn felt well enough to join Samantha in the living room and began to finish Chakotay's ship's report from the night before. She had a cup of tea beside her, which seemed to be going down well that day. Samantha was working on her daily report of taking care of Kathryn to give to the Doctor.

The comm chirped, "Naomi to Mom."

Kathryn glanced over at Samantha with a soft smile. Samantha put down her report and tapped her commbadge, "Wildman here. What's wrong honey?"

"I'm supposed to distinguish," she replied, "the difference between the warp plasma particles and warp particles on bow they effect the warp field. I know some of how the warp core works, but subspace theory confuses me.”

Kathryn smiled, "well Naomi, I'll let your mother help you. By the way, does Lieutenant Torres give you assignments like this all the time?" 

"This has been the first difficult, " Naomi replied. "But I've understood everything else." Samantha laughed softly, "I'll help you after - "

" - Oh no Samantha," Kathryn said, "go help her now."

Samantha looked at her, "Captain I can't leave you alone."

"Yes, you could," Kathryn said. "I'm fine right now. Really, I feel better than I have in weeks."

"Are you sure?"

Kathryn nodded, "yes, I'll be here when you return."

Samantha studied her. The Captain was still pale, but her eyes looked surprisingly vivid. She sighed, "I'll be back as soon as possible - "

"Take your time," Kathryn said, Samantha put the padd down standing. "Your mother's on her way Naomi."

"Thank you Captain," Naomi said. "Naomi out.”

"I'll be back in 20 minutes," Samantha told her and quickly headed out.

Kathryn smirked with a shake of her head, she didn't mind being alone for these few minutes. She went back to reading the report. As she read, she realized she wanted to freshen up since Chakotay would be off duty shortly and she wanted to look her best.

As she rose to her feet, the disorientation hit again. She steadied herself and walked into the bathroom. Deciding that rinsing her face with cold water would stop the dizziness she put her hands beneath the refreshing flow cupping her hands. The water filled her cupped palms and she splashed it over her face. She closed her eyes with a sigh as the disorientation seemed to end. She opened her eyes to do it again and saw a drop of blood sitting in the basin. She blinked for a moment, and then grabbed a towel patting her face dry as she straightened looking into the mirror. She looked at the towel. More splotches of blood sat on it. She stared at her image and the towel. A trickle of blood appeared again out of her left nostril, she wiped it away. It kept coming.

Calm down, she told herself, feeling panic in her rise. Call Samantha and then the Doctor.

Kathryn put the towel to her nose, heading back to the bedroom, but the room became unsteady. As she reached her bed, the towel was half soaked with her blood already. She went to sit on the bed and fell onto the floor. A whimper escaped her as she realized she was hemorrhaging.

She groaned feeling lightheaded and her mind began to go black, "Janeway to - " and held the bloody towel to her face. She began to lie against the floor to stop the blood flow. She sighed, "Janeway to Wild - " and lost consciousness.

Samantha didn't get the hail as she headed back to Kathryn's quarters exactly 20 minutes later. She entered not finding her on the sofa, "Captain?" There was no answer. She headed towards the bedroom thinking she decided to go get some rest. Instead she found her lying on the floor with a small pool of blood surrounding her head, with a bloody towel in her hand and face covered with blood. "Captain! Oh god!" she knelt beside Kathryn's unconscious form turning her over onto her back carefully feeling for her vitals. Kathryn's pulse was weak and thready and she was hardly breathing. She tapped her commbadge saying calmly as possible, "Wildman to sickbay."

"Yes, ensign?" the Doctor asked.

"It's the Captain," she replied, "I think she's hemorrhaging -”

"Is she conscious?"

"No," Samantha said. "I found her this way."

“I'm initiating an emergency transport," the Doctor said and Samantha felt the beam grab her and Kathryn's form sending them to sickbay.

=/\= 

"Sickbay to the bridge, said the Doctor.

"Go ahead," said Chakotay as he read from Tuvok's security report.

"Can you come to sickbay?"

"Problem?"

"Yes," the Doctor replied, then paused. "The Captain's here." Chakotay's head snapped up. Tom and Harry looked at each other. "It's not good."

"On my way," Chakotay said, he ran up towards the lift. "Tuvok -”

"Understood," Tuvok said as Chakotay entered the lift.

=/\= 

Chakotay entered sickbay at a dead run, but was stopped by the Doctor almost immediately. Before he was pulled into the Doctor's office, he saw Kathryn on the main biobed and Samantha nearby.

"What happened?" he asked worried.

"She started hemorrhaging," the Doctor replied. Chakotay's mouth fell open. "I've stopped the bleeding, but she's in a coma."

"Gods," Chakotay whispered. "Why did she start?"

The Doctor stared at him for a moment, "I'm afraid the cancer's metastasized to her chest." Chakotay put his hand to his mouth. He had all he could do not go out to Kathryn to somehow let her know he was there. "I've almost got that compound sequenced down to her proper dosage, but it'll be at least several more hours."

"Will she live?"

"Hard to say," the Doctor replied. "But time is of the essence.”

"Do you need Tom's help?"

"Any would be appreciated," the Doctor said.

Chakotay nodded, he tapped his commbadge, "Chakotay to Paris." 

"Yes, sir?" Tom replied, concern in his tone.

"Report to sickbay," Chakotay told him. "The Doctor needs your help to narrow down the proper dosage for the Captain."

"On my way," he replied. "Paris out.”

"Can I see her?" Chakotay asked him.

"I think she'd like that," the Doctor said. "It's said that patients in coma's can hear people speak to them."

"Okay," Chakotay replied. "I'll send Tom over as soon as he gets here."

"I'll be in the lab," the Doctor said, he turned and walked into the lab.

Chakotay turned and walked back into sickbay. Before speaking to Samantha, he walked over to the biobed. Kathryn lay unconscious under a heavy thermal blanket. Her scarf still wrapped around her head and the clamshell arms engaged over her. The Doctor obviously had cleaned some blood up, he could see a small dried spot on her neck. He leaned over her saying softly, "I'm here Kathryn, don't give up, please.” She didn't answer, the Doctor had her on the portable respirator, as her chest rose and fell silently. He touched her forehead gently and stroked over her eyebrow, not caring if Samantha heard. He whispered, "I love you," and straightened. After a moment, he walked over to Samantha, "what happened?"

"I feel awful, sir," she said, "but she told me to go."

"Where?"

"Naomi had a homework problem," Samantha replied. "I didn't want to go. I had a feeling I shouldn't, but she told me to anyway. I was only gone for 20 minutes. Commander, if I knew this was going to happen I mean, she was dizzy this morning. I shouldn't have left."

Chakotay knew Kathryn well enough that he wasn't surprised that she sent Samantha off to help Naomi. He sighed, "it's not your fault Sam, you had no idea." She nodded, "well, finish up your report, dismissed."

"Yes, sir," she said and walked out.

A moment later Tom appeared in sickbay. He saw Chakotay walking over, "what happened?"

"The Captain's in a coma," he replied, "her cancer has metastasized to her chest." Tom's face fell in shock, "the Doctor's waiting for you in the lab."

He nodded, "okay." Before he left, he patted Chakotay's arm and walked over to the lab.

Chakotay glanced back at Kathryn on the biobed. He remembered her time in sickbay when she was injured during their alliance with the Borg over three years before. Back then he was in temporary command and needed to be on the bridge, now he didn't. He tapped his commbadge, "Chakotay to Tuvok."

"Yes, commander?"

"You have the bridge for the time being," he informed him. "I'll be in sickbay -” 

"Understood," Tuvok said. "Tuvok out.”

Chakotay turned and walked back over to Kathryn. He pulled up a stool and sat down beside her. He found her limp hand beneath the blanket finding it lukewarm. He picked it up kissing it, "hang on Kathryn. I love you."

=/\=

While Chakotay sat with Kathryn, the Doctor, Seven and Tom worked in the lab going over various therapies and dosages on her current blood tissue. It had been over eight hours since Kathryn slipped into a coma and still hadn't regained consciousness.

Seven's accurate speed-reading allowed her to test faster than Tom or the Doctor. She put the next one through and waited for the results, they were positive. "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

“I believe this is the answer," she replied coolly.

"What?"

"High doses of trianoline," she replied. "Considering the Captain's current condition."

"Trianoline's used for percussive injuries," he said shocked. "And in high doses it can cause neurological damage. How much?"

"At least 50 c.c.'s every hour," she replied, "for 48 hours."

The Doctor thought for a moment, "it'd be better by intravenous solution. Having continuous trianoline induced into her system would lessen the chance of neurological damage."

"Well, we should do it," Tom said. "The longer she's in a coma the less time she has."

"Agreed," the Doctor said with a nod. He looked at Seven, "Seven prepare the first dosage into a beaker, enough for the first 12 hours. That should work well with the IV. I'll replicate the solution."

"Yes, Doctor," she said and proceeded to. He went to the medical replicator.

=/\=

Chakotay was tired, but he wasn't leaving her. Tuvok had stopped by to relieve him, but he refused to go. He still held her hand gently and propped his head against his free hand. He saw the Doctor come through his office carrying a metal rod with an attached hook on the top and a footed base.

"Doctor?" he said as the Doctor stopped beside the biobed placing the rod next to it. "What's going on?"

"We found the correct dosage -”

"Thank God," Chakotay said relieved. "What is it?"

"Heavy doses of trianoline," he replied. "To avoid the neurological damage, it'll be continuously induced into her system through an intravenous solution." He pulled up his instrument tray, uncovered Kathryn's other arm and felt for her closest vein.

"For how long?"

"At least 48 hours," he replied.

"It'll take care of the tumor?"

He nodded, "it should." He saw Tom walk out with a long, clear filled plastic bag that had long narrow tubing attached to it. "Ah - Mr. Paris, right on time," he took the bag and hung it upside down from the hook letting the tubing hang down. Then he picked up an instrument and opened a vein. He held off the blood flow and quickly inserted the special thin, hollow needle directly into her vein. "Tape Mr. Paris," he ordered, Tom handed him several strips of white medical tape sealing the needle to her vein. Then he added some gauze over it and taped that down to absorb any leakage. He activated the solution and sighed, "now we wait."...

..."Kathryn," Chakotay called to her. "Come here."

Kathryn turned in the field of wildflowers dressed in a pale yellow sundress. Her hair was loose around her shoulders as she held a small handful of daisies and bluebells. They were home and picnicking in a field nearby her mother's home in Indiana. The sky was deep blue with soft cumulous clouds sporadically throughout.

She walked over, "what is it?" He had a soft, large plaid blanket spread out before her. There was a basket beside him with a bottle of champagne and glasses.

"Come here," he said smiling lovingly up at her. She knelt down in front of him. He handed her a glass. Then picked up his own, "to us."

She smiled brightly, her hair lifted to the gentle breeze, "to us." They tapped glasses and sipped. "This is a wonderful idea Chakotay," she sank down onto her legs. "You always pick the perfect spot."

"For you, anything," he said and put his glass down. He was dressed in a loose white linen open shirt and beige trousers. He sat beside her, "are you happy with me Kathryn?"  
She stared at him with a soft smile, "of course I am -”

"How happy?"

"Chakotay - "

"Just answer the question," he said curious, his dark eyes searching her blue ones. 

She reached over tracing his tattoo delicately, "I've never been happier. Your my life Chakotay," she said, her voice husky with love.

He took her hand gently in his, kissed it tenderly and gazed at her. "Then spend the rest of it with me Kathryn."

She stared at him, "Chakotay are you asking me to marry you?"

"If you'll have me," he replied smiling gently at her.

Tears formed in her eyes. She was so happy. She kissed him gently cupping the side of his face. He responded pulling her against him, she wrapped her arms around him and he lowered her to the blanket pressing his body to hers. He looked at her waiting for her answer, "yes Chakotay, oh yes I will marry you," and he kissed her deeply again...

..."Kathryn, I'm here," she heard him say. "You're going to be alright, don't give up.”...

...She moaned softly, "Chakotay," and saw him walking towards her down one of the ship's corridors, Earth seen in the viewports lining the corridor. He held out his hand, she reached for it...

..."I love you Kathryn," he said again. "I'm here, come back to me.”...

..."Chakotay," she called out to him, as the corridor seemed longer than what it was. She passed Neelix, B'Elanna and Tom, Harry and Seven who were telling her they missed her, to keep walking to Chakotay. She kept walking. She could feel his hand on her face when he touched her, his mouth when he kissed her. She didn't want to let that go, she loved him too much. She saw Tuvok who told her a life with Chakotay was logical, to keep going. They all blended in with the scenery, but Chakotay remained solid. She trudged on and saw him hold out his hand again. She began to run to him. "Chakotay - "...

..."Kathryn, "he said to her from a distance. "Take my band." ...

...She managed to finally meet him, closing the space between them. She held out her hand as she went to take his and touched him. His hand was warm when they made contact, he pulled her up against him and lowered his head kissing her...

=/\=

Kathryn's eyes fluttered open, the lights of sickbay above her. She moaned softly feeling all her energy drained from her. Her vision began to dear as she made out Chakotay's face above her. Her mouth was dry. She tried to speak, "easy," he said gently, "save your strength." 

She turned her head to the other side finding the Doctor with a tricorder over her. She forced herself to swallow and find her voice. She looked back up at Chakotay, "what...happen...?"

"You've been in a coma for three days," he said softly.

Her eyes widened in shock, "wh ... at?"

"You were hemorrhaging Captain," the Doctor added quietly, “when your cancer metastasized. If Ensign Wildman hadn't found you in time, you could have bled to death." She blinked barely remembering the incident, "but you'll be fine now I'm happy to say. The tumor and the rest of the cancer has been eliminated."

Her voice felt stronger, "how?"

"Continuous inducing of trianoline," he replied, "in heavy doses for 48 hours." Kathryn felt a pinch on the top of her hand as her senses returned. She slowly lifted her hand gazing at the bandage on her hand. A little blood was spotted through it. "It was the only way to administer the treatment," he told her understanding. "You needed massive doses Captain." He smiled gently, "just rest now, it'll be a couple of day's before you're strong enough to move. You'll be here during that time.”

She nodded, "thank...you, Doc...tor," she said weakly. He nodded, closed the tricorder and walked away. She turned her head gazing up at Chakotay. She weakly squeezed his hand. "I…dreamed of...you..." 

He leaned closer to her stroking her face gently, "I heard you calling me, my love. I've never left your side."

She lifted her bandaged hand cupping the side of his face, some beard stubble was present. She didn't care. He held his hand against it, placing it gently over the bandage as not to hurt her. "I...felt...you... " 

"I held your hand the entire time," he said gently. "I'm so glad your okay. I was so worried. I love you Kathryn, so much."

She managed a faint smile, she was drifting off fast. She had to tell him, "I love...you Chak...otay..." and he tenderly kissed her, she responded weakly.

He stroked her face and pulled away, "I know. Just rest Kathryn, I'm here." She nodded with a soft sigh as her eyes closed and she fell asleep. He kissed her hand, and then lowered it placing it beneath the blanket. "Thank you," he whispered to his spirit guide, "thank you for bringing her back to me."

For the next two days Kathryn slept in sickbay as the Doctor ran tests on her to be sure the cancer was completely gone. He also stimulated her hair back since her hyronoline treatments were over. She was still very thin and told Chakotay he wouldn't authorize her to return to duty for at least another week in order to gain some weight, sleep and acquire some strength.

When he was satisfied she was out of danger and well enough to return to her quarters for the rest of her medical leave, he let Chakotay bring her back. She was asleep when he gently lifted her into his arms and beamed them back to her quarters. Samantha met them with Kathryn's bed prepared. She had cleaned up the blood stain days before.

Once Samantha was gone, he sat beside Kathryn's sleeping form stroking her newly grown hair, which surrounded her shoulders. He studied her and tracing one eyebrow gently. She stirred softly as her eyes slowly fluttered open. He smiled at her, “hello there."

Kathryn felt her bedcovers warming her and her own pillow. She wondered when she was brought back to her quarters. She was grateful since she was getting tired of sickbay. She smiled softly up at him, "hello yourself. When did I end up here?”

"A few minutes ago," he replied softly, "when the Doctor released you to me."

"I couldn't be in better hands," she murmured with a smirk. She snuggled deeper into the blankets and the bed. She was still cold, "when can I go back duty?"

"Not for another week at least," he replied. "You need to sleep and get your strength back."

"I don't think I'll argue," she whispered. "I'm so tired -”

"I know," he said.

"Stay with me," she asked.

"I'm here for as long as you'd like," he replied. He removed his boots and lay beside her wrapping her closer to him as she moved into his arms blankets and all.

"Coffee," she said softly, "I want some coffee - "

Chakotay smiled loving the sound of his Kathryn coming back He kissed her face stroking her hair and back. "In the morning my love, in the morning. Now sleep," he heard her sigh softly and drift back into a deep sleep as he held her.

The next morning she woke feeling a little stronger and he made her a small dish of scrambled eggs with a cup of hot coffee. She took her time eating the eggs and sipping the coffee, although she was having no adverse reactions to them.

Samantha was still assigned to her while Chakotay went to duty. He started bringing her daily updates on the ship so she'd be caught up to speed by the time she returned to full status.

The Doctor was also visiting and running his usual checkups on her to be sure she was gaining her strength back. He mentioned to her he'd want to run a complete cancer-free scan on her every six months from now on, she didn't argue. He then authorized visits from the crew if she allowed it, but not lengthy ones, she needed her rest.

Kathryn allowed whoever wished to visit. Among those who did were Tuvok, Harry, Tom and B'Elanna. They stopped by briefly after their duty shifts. They expressed how happy they were she was getting better and couldn't wait for her to return to the bridge. Throughout their and other crew visits, Kathryn's mind also thought back to her dream as she laid unconscious still in sickbay.

She realized since her diagnosis, even long before that when they were friends, before lovers, he was always there for her, stood by her, argued with her and loved her unconditionally. She wanted more now. Especially after her bought with breast cancer that brought her on the brink of death's door. That dream meant something as Chakotay said year's before regarding vision quests, it took time to interpret and understand what it meant sometimes days afterwards. Although this wasn't exactly a vision quest, she took it like one. She knew what this one meant.

A couple of days later as her strength was returning, they lay in bed after a very light dinner - he wasn't going to push her food intake - he kissed her forehead and face tenderly as she reached up stroking the side of his face. She was still too weak to make love, but he'd wait until she was ready.

"Do you have a nice dress?" he asked her.

Kathryn gazed up at him, "not with me this thin. Why?"

He shrugged and tenderly began to trace her eyebrow, "well, could you replicate up a new one - ?"

"I suppose," she said. "Why?"

"Because I let Tom, B'Elanna," he replied, "Neelix and Harry plan that Christmas party still. They really want to celebrate your recovery," she smiled softy at him. "The whole crew does Kathryn. They were all worried about you. And when you began to...when you ended up in sickbay, nobody could think of anything else." 

"Oh Chakotay," she whispered, her voice broke. She had no idea she meant that much to the crew.

He took her hand kissing it gently, "they want you to come to the party Kathryn, even if it's for a short time. They all want to see you," a tear slipped out of her eye, he brushed it away. "It's going to be on the holodeck, in Sandrine's."

She was touched by the invitation, he kissed her tears away gently. She gazed at him, "when?" she asked smiling through her tears.

"Two days," he replied, "at 2030 hours."

"I think I can find something to wear," she whispered and he embraced her gently. She held him as he kissed her neck and looked at her kissing her gently. She responded wrapping her arms around him. He then kissed behind her ears holding her. "I love you," she whispered kissing below his ear.

"I love you too," he replied, his voice filled with emotion.

Kathryn gazed at him. She saw a tear glistening in his eye. She reached up taking his face in her hands gently. Her thumb caught the tear as it slid down his face, "Chakotay what - ? I've never seen you like this."

"Gods Kathryn," he whispered kissing her hands. "I was so scared I was going to lose you. Seeing you in sickbay like that - my heart was aching - "

She put her hand gently to his mouth quieting him, "I was just as scared, my love. You're stuck with me. Forever."

"That's all I want," he whispered and kissed her gently again. She responded and buried her face in his neck feeling tired again. He noticed and held her tighter, "I think its time to rest Kathryn - " she nodded as he stroked her hair. He kissed her gently once more as she curled closer against him closing her eyes. He began to stroke her back gently. He listened to her breathing grow deeper as she drifted off to sleep. "I'll never leave you," he whispered to her, "ever."

When the night of the Christmas party rolled around, Kathryn felt strong enough that she might be able to spend most of the evening on the holodeck. She had replicated up a deep red, form fitting sleeveless dress that had a rounded bodice with an open v-cut. The dress fell in a straight line to the beginning of her knees and had a modest slit up the side. She already had the shoes and the earrings to match.

She was also returning to duty the next day for her first shift since her abrupt medical leave over four weeks before. The Doctor insisted she only work half a day, but she was excited and couldn't see not doing that. He made her promise if she felt tired at all, to have Chakotay relieve her so she could rest. She relented to that request.

It was now almost 2030 and Chakotay was picking her up in 10 minutes. She had her hair styled almost in her regular coif, but added a flip to a lock on the left side. She heard her doorchime ring and walked out of her bathroom ready, "come in."

The doors slid open and Chakotay entered. He was dressed in a dark gray suit with a crisp white collarless button down shirt and black shoes. He looked devastatingly handsome to her, but he stopped staring at her in shock. "Kathryn - you look beautiful."

"Thank you," she replied softly, "you look wonderful yourself," as he walked up to her. He pulled her into his arms kissing her gently and deeply. She responded and then smiled up at him.

"Ready?" he asked, she nodded. "Oh, but first," he pulled away walking over to her replicator. A moment later turned with a dozen beautifully wrapped red-long stemmed roses tied with a long, red velvet ribbon. He presented them to her, "for you Kathryn-”

"Oh Chakotay," she breathed, "their beautiful, thank you." She took the bouquet and inhaled the scent. "Let me take just one, I'll put the rest in my vase.” He nodded and she turned walking over to her table, pulled out the other flowers and added the roses after untying them. She picked out one rose turning to him, "let's go." He bent his arm to her, she walked over hooking her arm with it. He put his hand over hers and they walked out.

=/\=

"They're here!" announced Neelix happily as he bounded down the steps. Everyone quieted waiting with glasses of champagne and dressed in their finest dresses and suits. They heard Kathryn say: "I'll take it easy, I promise," and entered on his arm.

"Surprise!" everyone yelled happily.

Kathryn stopped startled staring at her crew who waited for her and Chakotay while holding up champagne glasses. She looked at them all, her throat tightened with shock and joy at the welcome she received. She glanced up at Chakotay who smiled at her, then looked back at everyone, "what's this all about?"

Tom stepped forward, "exactly what it looks like, Captain. Your recovery party and the ship's Christmas party."

"That's very thoughtful but -”

" - No 'buts' about anything," Neelix said. "We wanted to Captain. We almost lost you, we just want to show you how much you mean to us."

Kathryn felt tears sting her eyes. She quickly wiped her eyes dry, "Neelix, don't make me cry. The Doctor's seen enough of me," and laughed, everyone else did as well. 

Harry emerged stepping up to them handing each a glass of champagne. He looked at her raising his glass. "A toast to our Captain, whom was missed and prayed for these past several weeks. We're happy your here tonight."

She smiled, "thank you Harry," and they embraced gently. He pulled away, she wiped her eyes again. "Well, this looks beautiful. Please everyone enjoy yourselves," and Chakotay followed her down while placing his hand on her lower back.

Once she entered the main room, her crew complimented her dress and how beautiful she looked surrounded her, despite being as thin as she was. The Doctor sat at the piano, since the pool table was removed, playing Christmas tunes. She noted a large lit tree in the corner surrounded by gifts, a buffet table on a far wall and lit garland hanging along the rafters of the open ceiling. There was large mistletoe hanging in the center of the dance floor and white lights strung through potted trees that twinkled. The lights were turned low as it became magical.

After she talked to everyone, Chakotay led her over to their table alongside the dance floor. Kathryn glanced around watching the crew dance with others, some eating and other's socializing. This was a miracle for her, since she never thought she'd make it this far.

Sandrine walked up to them, dressed in a very sexy red satin dress, her blonde hair upswept into a fancy twist carrying a drink tray. "Ah - Cherie, I heard you were ill. I'm so glad to see you're feeling better."

Kathryn smiled, "I was very ill Sandrine, but I do feel better." She reached over taking Chakotay's hand, he grasped it, "if it weren't for him, I don't know what I would have done."

Sandrine glanced seductively at Chakotay, she winked, "well, well. I wouldn't want to go through an illness without him either."

Chakotay and Kathryn laughed, "well, thank you Sandrine," Chakotay said smiling.

"Can I get you two lovebirds anything?" she asked them. Kathryn was about to say something since their affair was discreet, or so she thought... "Now, now Cherie, it's obvious by the way you look at each other." She leaned forward to them whispering, "your secret's safe with me," and walked away with a slight sway to her hips. 

"We're not that obvious, are we?" she asked him.

Chakotay stared at her. He lifted his champagne glass to her, "would you care if we were?"

She stared at him, and then glanced around the room. The crew seemed to have understood they wanted to be alone and left them as such. She looked directly at him and smiled softly, "no, I don't," and he smiled at her. She lifted her glass, "Merry Christmas, Chakotay." 

He tapped his glass with hers, "Merry Christmas, Kathryn," and they sipped. He heard the Doctor start to play, "Have Yourself Merry Little Christmas, " and decided. He stood up, she watched him. He held out his hand, "dance with me Kathryn, I before I lose you to the rest of the crew tonight."

She smiled, "I'd love to," and took his hand standing. He led her out onto the floor, everyone stopped talking to watch. He pulled her up to him as she slid her arm around his waist. He took her right hand in his left and began to move them around the floor.

From across the room, Harry smiled, "now that's a beautiful sight."

B'Elanna and Tom glanced over at him, Tom sighed, "know what? I think I agree with you Harry."

"They look wonderful," B'Elanna agreed.

Kathryn stared up at Chakotay, she smiled, "I believe we're being watched."

"Do you mind?"

She shook her head, "no, not at all." She suddenly wanted to prove it by kissing him. Instead continued, "can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he replied.

"Will you marry me?" she asked him softly.

Chakotay stopped them, he stared at her in shock, "what? Kathryn why are you asking?"

She stared up at him, she took her hand from his sliding it up his arm. She sighed, "when I was unconscious, I had this dream...I dreamed we were home together on Earth and...you had asked me," he didn't say anything, but listen. She continued, "I came so close to dying Chakotay and I realized I don't want to hide our love anymore long as we keep it separate from our duty - " 

" - Yes," he interrupted her with a soft smile.

Kathryn blinked, being sure she heard him correctly, said, "'yes'" He nodded. She smiled happily, more tears formed. He then kissed her gently and deeply drawing her tighter against him. She responded and suddenly heard the crew break out with applause and cheers. Kathryn embraced him not caring. She laughed as he lifted her off her feet swinging her around. She felt the room spin a little as her equilibrium was thrown slightly off, she tapped his shoulder for him to put her down before she got sick. He lowered her to her feet steadying her, once ready she turned to the crew who waited, "we've decided to get married. If nobody has any objections -?"

"NO!" they responded with a huge cheer.

Kathryn wiped her eyes, "thank you," and turned back to Chakotay. He pulled her against him, she wrapped her arms around him, "look where we are,” and pointed upwards. He glanced up, they were directly beneath the mistletoe, he gazed at her smiling and she lifted her head up. He lowered his head kissing her gently again. She responded and then put her head on his shoulder as he took her hand again beginning to move them around the floor to finish the dance.

They spent the next few hours having dinner, and dancing more. She danced with Tom, Harry and whoever else asked her, but saved the last dance for Chakotay. Once the party started to end, Kathryn and Chakotay bid everyone goodnight, since she needed her rest to report to duty the next morning.

=/\=

They left the holodeck heading back to her quarters where they changed and she joined him in bed. He lay on his side propped on an elbow staring down at her smiling, thrilled beyond words that they were getting married and she was the one who asked.

"You're so beautiful," he said lovingly.

She reached up touching his shoulder, "I feel beautiful, for the first time in weeks."

"My Kathryn," he whispered and lowered his head kissing her deeply and gently. She responded pulling him down against her, he opened her mouth to his as their tongues meshed gently. He felt his pulse quicken and he became aroused, he wanted her, but wasn't sure if she were strong enough yet. He pulled away gazing at her, "Kathryn, I want you, but only if you feel - "

She touched his mouth quieting him, "yes Chakotay, I feel fine. Please, I want to. We both need it."

He stroked her face beginning to place soft, deep kisses on her face. He whispered, "I'll go slow, let me know if you can't - "

Kathryn lifted her head kissing him, he responded and slid his hands down her. His fingers feeling each rib and muscle as he caressed her gently. He gently cupped her breasts over the nightgown, she groaned into his mouth pressing herself into his hands. He caressed her buds over the material and felt her shiver against him. He began to kiss her neck and she tilted back her head as he kissed her throat, trailing kisses slowly down her.

She was too thin, but he was going to make love to her no matter what. She ran her fingers through his hair letting him lead. His hands reached her hips, which the bones jutted slightly against the material. He pulled the gown up over her hips and kissed her again. She responded and rolled over against him, she sat up staring down at him as she straddled him. She pulled the nightgown over her head tossing it to the side. He stared up at her.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you," he replied and sat up kissing her again, she responded holding him. He slid his hands up cupping her breasts. His hand didn't feel the tumor in her right breast anymore. He kissed her throat as she tilted her head back, "are you okay?”

She nodded, "yes, I feel wonderful. Don't stop," and let him kiss down to the right breast taking the hardened bud in his mouth savoring it gently. She groaned holding his head. She could feel his hardness pressing through his pajama bottoms. She reached down and touched him, he gasped, "let me," she told him.

"Kathryn!" he groaned, "don't. I won't last, please," he took her hand. He stared at her, "save it for later love, please."

She kissed him deeply with a nod, "okay," he held her and rolled over against her. He continued where he left off by taking the other bud in his mouth beginning to savor it gently. His hands slid further down stroking her gently and slid a hand beneath her panties. She arched her hips to him and cried out softly when his hand reached her womanhood beginning to caress, his fingers stroking her.

Chakotay couldn't wait much longer. He pulled away kneeling beside her and pulled her panties off tossing them. She sat up grasping his bottoms helping him remove them and he lay her back down kissing her deeply again as she slid her legs around his hips. He slid a hand between them making sure she was ready for him and found she was, her hips urged against his. He positioned himself against her and stared at her, he wanted to see her.

"Kathryn," he whispered, her face was filled with love and desire for him.

"Now, please," she told him and cried out when he slid into her slowly and gently, joining them. He felt so good, "I love you," she whispered. He slowly pulled back and brought them together again deeply, she clutched him tightly lifting her hips to him.

"Look at me," he whispered, she did as he moved against her slowly. "You're so beautiful - "

"Chakotay," she breathed feeling her breath quicken. "Oh god, I've missed you!"

"I've missed you," he replied and she felt her body shudder deeply again. She cried out softly. Her muscles were beginning to clench him, no matter how long he wished it to last, it wasn't going to happen. They needed too much at the moment, "want me to go slower?" 

She shook her head, "no - " and groaned. Her release was building as the ache built tighter. "More, please," and he began to move harder, she cried out. She buried her face in his neck biting it as he began to move harder into her, her body shuddered again as her muscles clenched him tighter. She began to scream his name, tears filling her eyes. When her release burst, she screamed arching her back clinging to him tightly.

He cried out her name and felt his own release as he collapsed against her gasping. He groaned and gasped as she cried in his arms, their lovemaking filling her with emotions she hadn't felt since before her diagnosis. He kissed her neck gently stroking her hair and gazed at her as tears slid down her face.

He kissed her gently. She responded and rolled her over against him, still connected. She held his face in her hands, stroking him slowly as she slid them down his sides. He groaned against her mouth as she expertly brought him to arousal again. He felt himself grow hard inside her. She began to move her hips slowly against him, their tongues meshing as he held her against him.

Their love and passion filled them, as they let it fill their senses. They clung to each other, for the love they almost lost with her near death experience and an attempt to hold onto life. She continued to move her hips against his, feeling him slide up cupping her breasts, "Chak-otay - " she groaned placing warm kisses on his face. Raining them down on his tattoo, eyebrows, temples and kissed his eyes closed. "I love you so much," he held her head sliding his hands into her hair gripping it. She kissed him again and started to move faster now. He lifted his hips to her as she pressed him deeper and harder against her body. He sat them up beginning to rock gently as she held him tighter.

"My Kathryn," he groaned against her mouth and she cried out as both their releases built together. She held him tighter moving her hips harder against him, she felt her release burst again, she cried out as her body shuddered against his. He felt his right after hers and they embraced tightly, both their bodies quaking as the orgasm passed through them. He kissed her shoulder gently, his breath slowing. He looked her, "you're so beautiful," he whispered.

"You’re incredible," she replied, her voice husky. He held her and rolled over against her, then disengaged himself from her lying beside her. She curled against him kissing his chest as he stroked her back. They lay quietly for several minutes sated and happy, she sighed, "what kind of wedding do you want?"

"I thought I was supposed to ask that," he said, she laughed softly and he chuckled. Then he sighed, "I can tell you what I do want."

"What's that?"

"I want more weight on you," he told her. She lifted her head staring at him. He began to trace her eyebrow, "your way too thin, my love. This cancer took too much weight off you - "

She nodded, "I know, but at least my appetites returned.”

"That's good," he said, "but I won't marry you until your back to your regulation weight."

She smiled, "well, looks like I'd better eat more," he smiled. "That won't stop you from making love to me, will it?"

He chuckled and kissed her gently, "oh no, my love," he pulled her against him. She pressed her body against his as he rolled over against her. Her legs slid around his hips, "but it'll make me enjoy each new pound you put back on."

"Chakotay!" she said shocked and he kissed her again. She responded clinging to him, and then whispered, "make love to me again."

"I intend to," he replied and they made love again before falling asleep.

The next morning they woke to tender lovemaking before showering and readying for duty. While she dressed, he made them breakfast. He was pouring them coffee when she emerged from her bedroom dressed in her uniform. He smiled at her, her uniform hung a little on her thin frame, but nobody would mind since they knew of her illness.

He sighed, "you look wonderful."

"I feel out of place," she replied, "and my uniform is so big -”

"Well, I've got a nice healthy breakfast for you," he said, "now come on." She nodded walking over. He pulled her chair out. She was quiet. "What's wrong Kathryn?"

"Nerves?" she asked shaky.

He pulled her into his arms, she held him wrapping her arms around him. "Everything will fall back into place once you step onto the bridge."

"I know," she replied, "it's just been so long."

"Don't worry," he said gently and gazed at her, "you'll be fine." He kissed her gently and pulled away. "Come on, let's eat," she nodded and they sat down, "I love you," he said as she picked up her coffee. 

She looked at him over her coffee, a soft smile formed, "I love you too."

Soon as breakfast was finished, he cleared the table. They headed to the bridge now walking hand in hand, able to show their love in the open. She was still nervous, but focused on calming. As they rode to the bridge in the lift, he gazed over at her.

"It'll be okay," he told her.

"I know," she said with a sigh and the lift slowed, she squared her shoulders.

He watched her with pride. The doors slid open. She stood for a moment, "go on, I'm right behind you," he said gently.

Kathryn nodded and slowly walked out onto her bridge for the first time in four weeks. Everyone was waiting as she stepped up to the railing, Harry announced happily, "Captain on the bridge!"

She glanced over at him smiling, Chakotay moved down in front of his chair standing and waiting for her. Everyone watched her as she circled the bridge, greeting them all as she ended up in front of her chair. "Thank you everyone," and he sat slowly. Chakotay sat with her, she sat looking around, and everyone waited for her orders. She felt like she'd come home as her body sank into the cushion. "Mr. Paris, adjust our course and heading to zero-one-one, mark four, warp four."

Tom smiled turning back to his console inputting the commands, "yes, ma'am."

Kathryn smiled. She glanced at Chakotay and future husband with a smile. The nerves were gone. "I've still got it -”

"You never lost it," he said. She reached over taking his hand as they grasped them tightly.

Two months later they were married on the holodeck in her field of wildflowers, her weight returned to its regulation standard. During the ceremony she reflected on her life and past three months as her soul was joined with his in both spirit and reality.

END

Feedback is welcome 

Breast Cancer Support and Awareness Sites:

Susan G. Koman for the Cure  
National Breast Cancer Foundation  
The Breast Cancer Site


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